Fear

This is the first of many subsequent posts that will focus on the work I am doing this semester in representing my first client, a female asylum seeker from Rwanda. First of all, I assure every reader that what I say in these postings is completely legal--I will not give away any identifying information of my client and these posts will, I expect, focus more on my experiences rather than the gory details of my client. But at times, those might play a part as well. Just wanted to assuage any concerns that I am acting in an unethical manner talking about this. I assure you, I am not, so here we go...

Fear. What is fear? I mean, we can all define it for ourselves. I'm afraid of spiders and heights, and we all have our own individual definitions of what fear is for ourselves. But what does it mean to really fear something? Is every fear equal to every other, simply because it is such an individual emotion? Are there some fears that are fundamental to all of us, that are shared, and thus possibly more weighty than others?

The immediate answer is OF COURSE. My fear of spiders does not equal in weight to someone who is battling cancer to their fear of death. Or to a seeker of asylum who has witnessed atrocities you and I cannot imagine, but that are so indelible in their minds that the mere mention of sex, or rape, or torture or siblings can illicit an emotional response. And if you add to that a continued terrorizing for more than a decade, fear can take on a whole different meaning.

I learned, while in Dadaab, that fear often manifests itself in desperation--desperation to alleviate themselves of the acts that evoke such an emotion. Desperation, in turn, results in doing anything they can to remove themselves from the environment that is the catalyst of such emotion. Doing anything results, often, but not always, in fabrication of details. Fear is a tricky thing, indeed.

I reviewed my client's case file for the first time tonight. The interviews with the Asylum Officer (AO) who denied her asylum claim initially, leading to her placement in my hands. I looked at this initial file, which was thin and which will become thicker and more compelling as the semester moves forward, with a remarkable amount of fear. Here it is, sitting before me, page after page, a client's life. A person's life. A woman's fear. And the true knowledge of the responsibility that has been given to me has begun to sink in.

We all (I hope. Oh good God I hope) know what happened in Rwanda. And if you're sketchy on the details, I encourage you to read "We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families" by Philip Gourevitch--because it is a history that we should all be aware of. Entire families, entire villages being slaughtered. In homes, in town squares. In churches where people looked to their God, their Christian God, for protection. Children who watched their parents and siblings murdered in the most basic and gruesome ways. Governments who sat back and allowed this to happen. Who continue to allow this to happen. This is the history of my client. This is the fear she possesses.

You'd think, on first glance, that this case should be a slam dunk. I mean come on, it's RWANDA for god's sake. But the laws of asylum are complex and they are not friendly, or in favor of those seeking refuge. It's been 13 years since the end of the official genocide, but the fear persists, and for good reason. As we have all seen with the case of Kenya recently, governments are fragile, particularly those that have had a history of adversity. Rwanda is no exception, and the killing and torture and persecution have not ended.

I think fear can be healthy, in certain situations. I think the fear that I have about my upcoming endeavor is absolutely essential, acting as an impetus for me to perform every task to my absolute best ability. So I am not ashamed of it. And it's important to respect fear--while recognizing the many faces it can take.

This will be a battle...but one that I am ready to take on. Because as cheesy as this may sound, for every fear there is truth, it's just a matter of finding it.