The Longest Days

I've never shirked from hard work, particularly when it's work I feel passionately about. And in the last year, I've definitely been pushed to my limits in terms of how much of myself I'm willing to give to something without sacrificing myself. It's a hard line to balance, and I think a lot of people spend a lot of their life figuring out where that line lays for them.

This week has been a week I've never imagined--I've never had to imagine--in terms of how far I can push myself, and how willing I am to push myself, for someone else.

My client's hearing is on April 11. We have 700 pages of documents to submit by Monday. They have to be perfect. We are the first "team" to have a hearing this semester in our clinic, meaning our deadlines are accelerated more than anyone else's. I've spent a couple of nights at school this semester working on various aspects of our client's case with my partner, but I had no idea what I was walking into when I left my house Tuesday morning at 8am. I had no idea I would not return to my apartment until Friday morning at 5:12pm, having slept for 3 hours total since leaving, and almost losing my mind in the process.

I've learned a lot this week--there are times for sacrificing what you need for the sake of someone else. There are also times when you need to step back to look at the big picture to evaluate the situation properly. There are hard conversations that need to be had with people, and sometimes the hardest ones yield the greatest results. Immigration is never black and white--there are always motives, conversations, details that we will never know.

But there are also the less tangible aspects of life: intuition--something we are born with and we can never ignore, there is belief in the good that lies at the heart of everything in everyone, and there is simple human resolve.

Fatigue is powerful, but so is drive. I never, ever want to remain awake for as many hours as I did this past week. It makes you unable to extricate yourself from the weeds of what you're working on. It's isolating and it makes you crazy. By Friday, when we expected to hand in our final draft of the documents we had poured ourselves into, when we got a shock from the government attorneys at 9am, we felt a soul crushing misalignment of life. We learned that no matter how prepared you are, no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you believe, there are always twists in the road.

I went home on Friday and slept from 5:30pm until 8:30am today. Every plan we had before yesterday has changed, and the reality of the situation has morphed into something that is almost unrecognizable from what it was just yesterday. But, in the clarity of rest, the drive does not wane. And that's encouraging.

I've learned that we do what we can. We work as hard as we can, but the work that we do will not always determine the outcome of the case at hand. No matter what I do, how well I plan, how hard I work and how many hours I remain awake will not guarantee the outcome we desire.

In the end, everything I've learned reaffirms what I already know: There is never a fault in extending yourself farther than you thought you could. We don't know what will happen in the next 14 days. But in the end, we'll know that we worked our asses off, maybe have made some wrong decisions, tried to make as many best decisions as we could, but will always believe in the actions we took..

The next 11 day will be hard. Really hard. But I know I have it in me. And I suppose sleep can wait a while, right?

When I Grow Up....

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm not going to withhold knowledge and expertise I have on things. I mean, I figure, at some point in my life I'll have to be some sort of an expert on something that someone other than I care about, right?

Well you've heard it here first: When and if that time happens, I will happily participate in inquiries from honest and good law students who are trying to help someone. I will not brush them off like flies on my sleeve. I won't dismiss them rudely, telling them to read a chapter of my book rather to engaging in the work they're doing, even if, after that engagement, I realize my knowledge won't be of the kind of use that they're looking for. I will give people the same respect that a few generous souls have given to my partner and me, even though those generous people could not help us as we had hoped they could.

I won't ignore people, even if it's the 100th email I've received that day. And I won't hide behind a resume/portrait/profile like the wizard did in Oz.

We can't help people all the time, but we can always show them courtesy and respect without being dismissive.

And that's all I have to say about that.

The Souls We Connect With

Have you ever stumbled upon the life of a person you've never met but feel like you share a bit of a soul with? It happened to me today and I'm now voraciously researching a woman I would have liked to share a space with for even a moment in life.

I met today with a former U.S. Ambassador, and a woman who lived in Rwanda for the years leading up to the genocide. My partner and I had the amazing fortune to ask her questions and listen to her story of the life she led in Rwanda, get her insights, pick her brain. I sat captivated by the knowledge she shared with us, and of the memories that clearly still haunt her about the beginning of April, 1994. There were times when she would recount specific moments in time after President Habyarimana's plane was shot down signally the beginning of the 100 day massacre, the country spiraling out of control, the U.S. refusal to act, and her attempt to save a friend and colleague by allowing him to come over her wall to her compound as Hutu militia hunted and eventually killed him as he hung from her wall attempting to arrive at safety, and her frustration, regret, and lack of understanding were palpable.

She told us a lot of stories. Some that gave us pause as the one above, some that were heartwarming and highlighted the goodness in so many people, and one that got me researching and caused me to stumble onto the life of a woman named Rosamund Carr. Here is a link to a write up that was done following her death in 2006. And there is so much more information out there.

I think she's a lady I would have liked. I know she's someone I would have liked to meet. She is certainly a soul to be emulated, one to learn from, and an example of what one person can do to change the world.

Never Again

We say, as a country, never again. But we are cowards.

We stand by and watch the horror of Darfur unfold, but we take no action.

We allow our civil liberties to be depleted, but we sound no fury.

We watch, complacently, as our government searches wildly for enemies that do not exist, while our brothers are slaughtered.

We stand, silently aside, watching our world deteriorate, but we only see those with benefits.

I feel sad for us. And that's all I have to say.

Actually, it isn't. take a minute. Take 20, and go to www.youtube.com and search "Devil Came on Horseback". You don't even need Netflix. you can watch it for free from your computer. Watch it, and think. And be angry. And indignant. Or just watch it. Never again...until now. God help us all.

Poem

Things fall at your doorstop at the most unexpected times. This was given to me today by a solid and supportive gal. And I don't think I've read anything recently that has captured the truth that this poem does in relation to the battle I am engaged in. Enjoy.

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

--kipling

Appreciation

Blogging is interesting. You "meet" people through the pages of your words who share a similar sense of release that comes with pouring yourself onto a computer screen. My all time favorite new friend, GirlTuesday, and I share a common "real life" friend in her smallish state so our meeting was not completely coincidental. But since getting to know her from her blog has made me, quite frequently, do a double take at the similarities we share.

She posted, a few days ago, a lovely poem by ee cumings. Everyone should read it--once again she's posted something that has personally come at the most exact time for me. I am looking forward to the day (that's coming soon) where we get to sit across a table and chat face to face.

Houseguests

So I spoke about being a little lonely in my last blog. Part of the reason is that I come home every night and am welcomed by the company of my television in the background or the internet. I know, it sounds pretty pathetic, but it's kind of the way my life is right now.

This past week I had one of my best friend's from Mali stay with me--it was unexpected, and I was asked to be hospitable after being awake for 26 hours, but I could not gladder (is that a word?) I said yes.

My friend had keys to my building and apartment since he's stayed with me before. It was delightful to have someone at home when I got home, to chat with, to vent to, someone who very much understands that trials that go along with international work. But not only international work, work that really means something to you.

This morning we woke up and my friend went to get bagels and coffee. We spent the next two hours reminiscing about Mali and talking about the life we led together there. We talked about the reality of my case, and for the first time in a long time I talked about the grand and real fears I had surrounding it. My friend has a way of quietly reassuring and affirming the fears I have--while ever so strongly supporting what I'm doing.

I have a lot of support in this endeavor--my family being the most devout--but for a few days it was comforting to have my friend here.

A lot has happened this week. Most of it negative. The world of immigration is fickle, and it is always a struggle. I still don't understand how a country founded on immigrants can be so blind to the pressing needs those seeking refuge as to turn them away at the gates.

It's comforting having a friend in town. If for no other reason than the sheer familiarity of the space where you exist--a sort of shout out to the fact that you're not going insane. I already miss my friend, as I sit here in a quietly peaceful apartment. Having company that soothes and understands is the most priceless there is.