Revolutions

I turned 28 on Thursday, and it has was a great day. I had a birthday gathering last night to celebrate and enjoyed the easy company of my dear friends. It has been a good week.

And, surprisingly, it has been a good week professionally as well. I'm a pleaser. I like to make people happy. I like to fix things that I sense are not quite right. Professionally and personally, I do my best to create harmony among the people in my life.

It turns out it's not so easy to do in a large international law firm. I tried. Oh did I try. Based on the last couple of posts I think it's fairly clear that I failed. Miserably. But I don't think it's my fault. We are armed at the beginning of the summer with ways to politely say "no" to work. Things like "I would really love to help you, but let me tell you what is on my plate now so you have an understanding of my constraints that already exist" or "I appreciate the chance to work with you on this project, but I think you should talk to Other Partner I am Currently Being Enslaved By to decide what percentage of my time (blood, sweat and tears) should be going to each project".

In theory, those lines really do seem like magic bullets. Easy ways to take the pressure off of the young associates (or summer associates) to keep piling work on when they are already completely over extended. Well. Here's what they don't tell you in training: Partners are greedy and they don't give a shit about another partner's project. You know why? Because, that other partner's deal is not going to raise their personal paycheck at the end of the day. You eat what you kill. You do not feast, at partner level, on another partner's bounty.

So therein lies the problem. And that has been a big problem for me. Using those great lines, getting half of it out of my mouth to be told "I don't care about the other project or the other deadlines you have. Here's my project. I need it in 35 seconds". Bitch. Slap.

By Tuesday of this past week, at 5pm, when the third person said this to me in, oh, a week, I hit my tolerance threshold. I envisioned an act of physical violence (I am a really passive person. Make love. Not war) while saying GET IN LINE, SHITHEAD. Instead, I curtly sat, tersely responded and in the end stayed at the office until 3am trying to get it done. But the breaking point had been hit.

My friends who have followed the path of this summer with me, most often steadily walking with me, supporting me and giving me all of the zen and positivity they have, or the one(s) who have given the dose of reality in pointing out that I do have other choices, I can make an independent decision, and to stop being so desperate appreciate that it's not easy to speak up and assert unhappiness. Tuesday, I had an epiphany while sitting in the office getting dumped on. I don't need this. I don't deserve this. And I will not spend the next six weeks wallowing in a trough of misery.

So I stood up for myself. In a calm, collected, unemotional and professional manner. I was honest. I had lunch on Thursday with my partner mentor and the woman who I have been working with on the project finance deal. We went to a lovely restaurant (for all the DC kids--go to Blue Duck Tavern--it's delish) and mid-meal when they asked me how things were really going, I told them. I was tactful. I did not say "You people must be batshit crazy if you actually think I would actually come back here when I get an offer". Instead, I stated three things: I have noticed a lack of respect among partners for other partner's projects. I have noticed and felt a great lack of respect from work providers when I try and assert balance with them. I have noticed a lack of communication generally, and a lack of respect for other's deadlines.

It was a good place to start. I did not want to complain or bad mouth other partners or projects. But I needed to open the discussion for "here is what I have noticed and here is why I have and some other summer's might not see this yet". And I think it worked. They were embarrassed. And horrified. There were follow up conversations. Promises of change. Profuse apologies.

I do not hold my breath. But at least in the firm my feet are solidly placed, I am standing upright, and I feel a sense of strength. I feel like my fierceness has returned.

My associate mentor--an amazing little powerhouse of a woman--and I have spent a lot of time the past week honestly talking about my experience and hers. She has been really concerned about my situation and has done what she can, in her junior position, to try to help. She has given some great advice. One of the best pieces came at 2:30am on Tuesday as we were both stuck at the office. "DLS, get your offer. Get your reviews which will be glowing. And then look around. You do not have to come back here. And no one will be surprised if you don't. You have other options.'"

I can't predict what will happen between now and August 11. But I am have regained at least a semblance of control over my life. And that, I think, is what is ultimately important.