I turned 28 on Thursday, and it has was a great day. I had a birthday gathering last night to celebrate and enjoyed the easy company of my dear friends. It has been a good week.
And, surprisingly, it has been a good week professionally as well. I'm a pleaser. I like to make people happy. I like to fix things that I sense are not quite right. Professionally and personally, I do my best to create harmony among the people in my life.
It turns out it's not so easy to do in a large international law firm. I tried. Oh did I try. Based on the last couple of posts I think it's fairly clear that I failed. Miserably. But I don't think it's my fault. We are armed at the beginning of the summer with ways to politely say "no" to work. Things like "I would really love to help you, but let me tell you what is on my plate now so you have an understanding of my constraints that already exist" or "I appreciate the chance to work with you on this project, but I think you should talk to Other Partner I am Currently Being Enslaved By to decide what percentage of my time (blood, sweat and tears) should be going to each project".
In theory, those lines really do seem like magic bullets. Easy ways to take the pressure off of the young associates (or summer associates) to keep piling work on when they are already completely over extended. Well. Here's what they don't tell you in training: Partners are greedy and they don't give a shit about another partner's project. You know why? Because, that other partner's deal is not going to raise their personal paycheck at the end of the day. You eat what you kill. You do not feast, at partner level, on another partner's bounty.
So therein lies the problem. And that has been a big problem for me. Using those great lines, getting half of it out of my mouth to be told "I don't care about the other project or the other deadlines you have. Here's my project. I need it in 35 seconds". Bitch. Slap.
By Tuesday of this past week, at 5pm, when the third person said this to me in, oh, a week, I hit my tolerance threshold. I envisioned an act of physical violence (I am a really passive person. Make love. Not war) while saying GET IN LINE, SHITHEAD. Instead, I curtly sat, tersely responded and in the end stayed at the office until 3am trying to get it done. But the breaking point had been hit.
My friends who have followed the path of this summer with me, most often steadily walking with me, supporting me and giving me all of the zen and positivity they have, or the one(s) who have given the dose of reality in pointing out that I do have other choices, I can make an independent decision, and to stop being so desperate appreciate that it's not easy to speak up and assert unhappiness. Tuesday, I had an epiphany while sitting in the office getting dumped on. I don't need this. I don't deserve this. And I will not spend the next six weeks wallowing in a trough of misery.
So I stood up for myself. In a calm, collected, unemotional and professional manner. I was honest. I had lunch on Thursday with my partner mentor and the woman who I have been working with on the project finance deal. We went to a lovely restaurant (for all the DC kids--go to Blue Duck Tavern--it's delish) and mid-meal when they asked me how things were really going, I told them. I was tactful. I did not say "You people must be batshit crazy if you actually think I would actually come back here when I get an offer". Instead, I stated three things: I have noticed a lack of respect among partners for other partner's projects. I have noticed and felt a great lack of respect from work providers when I try and assert balance with them. I have noticed a lack of communication generally, and a lack of respect for other's deadlines.
It was a good place to start. I did not want to complain or bad mouth other partners or projects. But I needed to open the discussion for "here is what I have noticed and here is why I have and some other summer's might not see this yet". And I think it worked. They were embarrassed. And horrified. There were follow up conversations. Promises of change. Profuse apologies.
I do not hold my breath. But at least in the firm my feet are solidly placed, I am standing upright, and I feel a sense of strength. I feel like my fierceness has returned.
My associate mentor--an amazing little powerhouse of a woman--and I have spent a lot of time the past week honestly talking about my experience and hers. She has been really concerned about my situation and has done what she can, in her junior position, to try to help. She has given some great advice. One of the best pieces came at 2:30am on Tuesday as we were both stuck at the office. "DLS, get your offer. Get your reviews which will be glowing. And then look around. You do not have to come back here. And no one will be surprised if you don't. You have other options.'"
I can't predict what will happen between now and August 11. But I am have regained at least a semblance of control over my life. And that, I think, is what is ultimately important.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Things DLS Is Thankful For
I know it's not November. But come on, sometimes it's good to reflect on the...good.
Sometimes my posts can be kind of downers. I know this, it's kind of the way it is, because sometimes life can be a downer. And I worry, at times, because this is a snapshot of what I am thinking about at any given moment, and I hate to alarm people.
But then there are the times when those snapshots are more panoramic than I care to admit. I have these great friends who comment on here--and I adore that. And then I have my family. None of whom have crossed the comment border. But I get emails from them, effectively commenting on posts. Last night I got many.
We all get lost every now and then in our own lives. It's inevitable. I use my gals, my darlings, my loves, as compasses. I am remarkably fortunate to have them. And sometimes I feel very very far from the rolling hills of Vermont. From the wisdom I gained in the farmhouse in which I was raised. But other times, like today and last night, I have a moment of clarity as to where I have come from, and why I am who I am.
I love my family. I always have. I always will. I love that I come from 2 people who are as unjudging and supportive as my parents. I adore my siblings. I bask in the friendship my sister and I have developed, sometimes painfully, over the years. I am humbled by their support and honesty. I am guided by their peace and wisdom. And I feel free to be who I am, without apology or struggle because of their strength that they impart on me.
I do, I feel lonely right now. But I never feel alone. And it's because, sometimes in the quiet night when only the crickets are chirping in our fields outside the house, I get a note of steady and unwavering support from my family. I can hear my mom's sing song voice reminding me of the beauty of the day, my dad's wit and sarcasm and always adoration of the prospect of learning and growth, my sister's slow, steady and solid voice of reason, and, every now and then, my brother's jovial pat on the shoulder and I know, I am comforted knowing ,that no matter what path I travel, I will never be alone.
This has been a tough week, a tough day in DLS's world. Work, friends, life. It's never easy. I hope it's often rewarding, but sometimes it's just one big struggle. But I know no matter what is happening, no matter where I am, no matter what my paycheck or loan payment is, I will always have home. And for that, I am thankful.
Sometimes my posts can be kind of downers. I know this, it's kind of the way it is, because sometimes life can be a downer. And I worry, at times, because this is a snapshot of what I am thinking about at any given moment, and I hate to alarm people.
But then there are the times when those snapshots are more panoramic than I care to admit. I have these great friends who comment on here--and I adore that. And then I have my family. None of whom have crossed the comment border. But I get emails from them, effectively commenting on posts. Last night I got many.
We all get lost every now and then in our own lives. It's inevitable. I use my gals, my darlings, my loves, as compasses. I am remarkably fortunate to have them. And sometimes I feel very very far from the rolling hills of Vermont. From the wisdom I gained in the farmhouse in which I was raised. But other times, like today and last night, I have a moment of clarity as to where I have come from, and why I am who I am.
I love my family. I always have. I always will. I love that I come from 2 people who are as unjudging and supportive as my parents. I adore my siblings. I bask in the friendship my sister and I have developed, sometimes painfully, over the years. I am humbled by their support and honesty. I am guided by their peace and wisdom. And I feel free to be who I am, without apology or struggle because of their strength that they impart on me.
I do, I feel lonely right now. But I never feel alone. And it's because, sometimes in the quiet night when only the crickets are chirping in our fields outside the house, I get a note of steady and unwavering support from my family. I can hear my mom's sing song voice reminding me of the beauty of the day, my dad's wit and sarcasm and always adoration of the prospect of learning and growth, my sister's slow, steady and solid voice of reason, and, every now and then, my brother's jovial pat on the shoulder and I know, I am comforted knowing ,that no matter what path I travel, I will never be alone.
This has been a tough week, a tough day in DLS's world. Work, friends, life. It's never easy. I hope it's often rewarding, but sometimes it's just one big struggle. But I know no matter what is happening, no matter where I am, no matter what my paycheck or loan payment is, I will always have home. And for that, I am thankful.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?
I am fairly certain that no one is actually checking this blog anymore since I have been silent for weeks now. But as it is a great mode of decompression for me, I am going to keep writing and hope that anyone who loyally reads might come and take another look.
The past three weeks have been...intense. And tiring. And have forced me to really evaluate what it is that makes me happy, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing with this kind of complicated life that I lead. I exhaust myself, at times, in the sense that I feel like there are so many people making the decision to just join the firm, work the corporate law job, put one foot in front of the other as we are told to do in law school. And then there's me. I struggle against the easy decisions. I like to make things more complicated than they have to be. I question everything and often to my own detriment. But in this case, in the case of my job, I like to think it's because I actually value being happy. I know, most people do, but unlike a lot of other folks, I actually have a fairly strong sense and handle on what creates my happiness.
Project finance, shockingly, does not. Corporate finance also does not rank too high on the DLS happiness scale. I like to think that I can be that person who gets the job done, who reviews financing agreements for 100 million dollar deals 17 times to make sure commas are placed in the right spaces, defined terms are capitlized, and that every last period is placed exactly where it needs to be. But where is the fulfillment in that? Who am I helping? What am I contributing to? Surely, our client. Perhaps acting as the lender, perhaps in the role of the borrower on any given deal. I can argue that in this firm I am helping the environment, as much of the project finance work that is being done is for clients who are working on renewable energy projects, biodiesel, windmills, etc. But at the end of the day, where is the tangible gain that allows me, in my somewhat crazy and not always rational world, to put my one foot in front of the other?
This job makes me feel lonely. It's what I realized about 2 days ago. It's a feeling that has been creeping very slowly over me since week One. It makes me want to be dating someone so I can feel a physical and emotional closeness to a person, because there is no emotional depth at all to the work I am doing. I commented to my friend J that this is the first time, I do believe, in my professional life (or my personal life) that I feel like I am not doing something that has a positive impact on individuals, or that makes someone's life a little easier (ok ok, except the partner's, who is making BANK from these deals. His life is easier. Thank God). It is bothersome, and depressing. To this same friend (poor guy, he bears the brunt of my musings these days), late one night, as I was chatting with him while watching the clock tick eternal at my desk while drafting schedules to agreements, I realized I actually felt really really sad.
I don't balk from emotion. I appreciate it, I bask in it, I like to feel because it makes me feel alive. But I don't like the empty and lonely sadness I have felt passing over me, sometimes lingering, in waves over the past month. But what do I do? Where am I going from here?
I have been many places in my life. I like to think that from each place where I have paused, I have taken something with me. One of my most prized takings is the volumes of journals I kept while in Mali, and the very public journal I kept on this site last summer while I was in Kenya. I revisited both of these this past weekend and was reminded of where I have been and where I would like to be going. After a particularly trying week in Mali, about at the time I had passed a year in my village, I wrote "There are times I want to stand on my roof so everyone in the village can see and hear me and tell these people who keep bringing me their children and their parents and their relatives who are ill, asking me to heal them with by touch or magic medicine, that I CANNOT SAVE YOU PEOPLE, the only person who can save you is yourselves." The last post I wrote while in the refugee camp last summer ended with this:
"But that is why I will keep coming back to this as the place where my heart lies. There is such honesty and truth in suffering, and the only way to respond is likewise. I cannot imagine a life that is void of this feeling--trying to find a way to better the lives of people who cannot do it on their own. In the end, there is no us and them."
I still feel that way. But now, in this moment, or from the moment I re-read it, it dawned on me: the only person who can save me is myself, and I have not lost the desire to feel as intensely passionate about something as I did last summer. Dramatic, but true. I can sit at my desk and feel...helpless. I can look around and come up with myriad reasons why this firm and the people here are creating my depression and angst (and it would not be a lie). But I am the only person, just me, who will determine where my foot is placed next. And when I make that decision about where I am going, I will know that it is right.
Maybe it will be back here. It most likely will be, as 180k in debt aint gonna pay itself off. But a lot can happen in a year or two. (Yes. I just linked to myself. Because I am that cool). I'll let everyone know when my footing is back to be being solid.
The past three weeks have been...intense. And tiring. And have forced me to really evaluate what it is that makes me happy, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing with this kind of complicated life that I lead. I exhaust myself, at times, in the sense that I feel like there are so many people making the decision to just join the firm, work the corporate law job, put one foot in front of the other as we are told to do in law school. And then there's me. I struggle against the easy decisions. I like to make things more complicated than they have to be. I question everything and often to my own detriment. But in this case, in the case of my job, I like to think it's because I actually value being happy. I know, most people do, but unlike a lot of other folks, I actually have a fairly strong sense and handle on what creates my happiness.
Project finance, shockingly, does not. Corporate finance also does not rank too high on the DLS happiness scale. I like to think that I can be that person who gets the job done, who reviews financing agreements for 100 million dollar deals 17 times to make sure commas are placed in the right spaces, defined terms are capitlized, and that every last period is placed exactly where it needs to be. But where is the fulfillment in that? Who am I helping? What am I contributing to? Surely, our client. Perhaps acting as the lender, perhaps in the role of the borrower on any given deal. I can argue that in this firm I am helping the environment, as much of the project finance work that is being done is for clients who are working on renewable energy projects, biodiesel, windmills, etc. But at the end of the day, where is the tangible gain that allows me, in my somewhat crazy and not always rational world, to put my one foot in front of the other?
This job makes me feel lonely. It's what I realized about 2 days ago. It's a feeling that has been creeping very slowly over me since week One. It makes me want to be dating someone so I can feel a physical and emotional closeness to a person, because there is no emotional depth at all to the work I am doing. I commented to my friend J that this is the first time, I do believe, in my professional life (or my personal life) that I feel like I am not doing something that has a positive impact on individuals, or that makes someone's life a little easier (ok ok, except the partner's, who is making BANK from these deals. His life is easier. Thank God). It is bothersome, and depressing. To this same friend (poor guy, he bears the brunt of my musings these days), late one night, as I was chatting with him while watching the clock tick eternal at my desk while drafting schedules to agreements, I realized I actually felt really really sad.
I don't balk from emotion. I appreciate it, I bask in it, I like to feel because it makes me feel alive. But I don't like the empty and lonely sadness I have felt passing over me, sometimes lingering, in waves over the past month. But what do I do? Where am I going from here?
I have been many places in my life. I like to think that from each place where I have paused, I have taken something with me. One of my most prized takings is the volumes of journals I kept while in Mali, and the very public journal I kept on this site last summer while I was in Kenya. I revisited both of these this past weekend and was reminded of where I have been and where I would like to be going. After a particularly trying week in Mali, about at the time I had passed a year in my village, I wrote "There are times I want to stand on my roof so everyone in the village can see and hear me and tell these people who keep bringing me their children and their parents and their relatives who are ill, asking me to heal them with by touch or magic medicine, that I CANNOT SAVE YOU PEOPLE, the only person who can save you is yourselves." The last post I wrote while in the refugee camp last summer ended with this:
"But that is why I will keep coming back to this as the place where my heart lies. There is such honesty and truth in suffering, and the only way to respond is likewise. I cannot imagine a life that is void of this feeling--trying to find a way to better the lives of people who cannot do it on their own. In the end, there is no us and them."
I still feel that way. But now, in this moment, or from the moment I re-read it, it dawned on me: the only person who can save me is myself, and I have not lost the desire to feel as intensely passionate about something as I did last summer. Dramatic, but true. I can sit at my desk and feel...helpless. I can look around and come up with myriad reasons why this firm and the people here are creating my depression and angst (and it would not be a lie). But I am the only person, just me, who will determine where my foot is placed next. And when I make that decision about where I am going, I will know that it is right.
Maybe it will be back here. It most likely will be, as 180k in debt aint gonna pay itself off. But a lot can happen in a year or two. (Yes. I just linked to myself. Because I am that cool). I'll let everyone know when my footing is back to be being solid.
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