Trying Times

There are times in life that we all go through. They are not fun. They test us to the very core of who we are. Whether it's work or life or love, they hit us now and then. They are our own personal rapids that we have to navigate. Hopefully we do it with grace and skill, but there are times when we flail, hoping for one more minute of breath before we go under.

I seem to have found myself on one of those paths recently. I think of myself in a one man kayak, with very little experience in this line of sport, gritting my teeth while listening to my fans on the bank of the river. Sometimes loudly, other times muted by the sound of the rushing water in my ears. As I gasp for breath, I am comforted by the cheers and support and love, knowing that I am an island and I have to navigate how to return to shore largely solo.

I take my paddle, as futile as it is, and burn into the rapids, knowing that I am nothing against the stronger will that prevails, but also knowing that while I cannot beat them, I can return to an upright position, flustered, but together, with a smile on my face, even if that smile is forced and uncomfortable. I find myself, more often than not, feeling the pull of the current, pulling so hard that all I want to do is give into this stronger current than I could possible ever beat.

But I don't. Because in those brief instances of light and sound, I hear and see the forces that are stronger than the current of which I'm battling. I see flashes of HB who will be my life vest until the end of my days, and feel the necklace the beautiful JDK gave me. I feel the arms of LJD surrounding me, with the smokey kisses that left me so fulfilled and so longing this week. Whenever I go under I feel SG and CB and MI and EA and AW and JC grabbing me for dear life. And most of all, I see WED, Jr. telling me he is proud of me, and wishing he could grab my chin and tell me how he believes in me. I hear CFD telling me I'll always have a place with him and that he loves me. I see KM and JM loving me from afar and I am more than the rapids that take me.

Often times these rapids make me think less of myself. They rip me apart and make me wish I was either 5 years old again or ten years down the road so I know what my furture holds. They do not, ever, make me respect them. I could never respect a river so cold and unforgiving and lacking in such humanity that it would put someone through this trial.

I feel the glorious love of my longest and closest friend, EAS, and suddenly, in the glory of this support, I can be upright. But I still struggle to get to where I am supposed to be. At times, the rapids make me weep looking at a shore that seems so unattainable, but I know where I want to be, so I will paddle diligently in that direction.

And I know I will find the shore.