Observations

So my fabulous world of 17th and T continues to give me more topics to ruminate over as water for pasta boils and the newest episode of the Sopranos waits (eagerly for me!) on pause. As a student, I have spent the last three years recognizing that my schedule is much, much different from most of the folks around me. My first year was consumed by part time work, evening classes, lots of time in the gym, mid-day naps now and then and strolls through the city at 2:30pm when most people were hunkered down for the rest of the long afternoon at work. Living on the Hill, I would occasionally see the housewives walking their babies and dogs but it was pretty quiet mid-day. Nothing was crowded. There was no bustle.

17th and T and all the areas surrounding me are not like this at all. In the last two years I have changed my schedule quite a bit as well--I rarely sleep in or nap, and I aim to get to school around 9am regardless of when I have class during the day. I don't generally leave school until the evening, having realized my productivity increases dramatically the more I am away from my comfy apartment (and the lure of Netflix).

But last Wednesday was a little out of the ordinary. I had errands to run so I took my time getting up and getting to campus and as I strolled down 17th St, I realized something seemed very extraordinary--the sheer number of people wandering around doing the same thing I was. Now, I know this is a very popular area of the city for young folks right now (as evidenced by the rent and difficulty in finding apartments) but good God! Doesn't anyone in this neighborhood work? Ever? During the day? I mean, I felt like I was walking around mid-day on a Saturday. Shorts. T-shirts. Flip flops. Dogs. It was very striking. What does everyone in my neighborhood DO? Could it be that we can all afford the rent because we're all students living on borrowed money? Noooo. I simply don't believe it.

Another observation I've had over the past few months has to do with this city and men. I don't normally discuss men on this, so turn back now should you not want to read my (possibly belligerent) rant...

So I have this group of fabulous single girlfriends here in D.C. And I mean we're really fantastic. Some of us are in law school having had amazing careers and continuing to have amazing careers. Some of us continue to work on the Hill, have played concert piano in one of the most prestigious venues in the United States before reaching puberty, have multiple advanced degrees and hold high level positions for current presidential candidates. We have lived overseas, volunteered in our communities and are all around fantastic individuals. And the group, by and large, is composed of very attractive women. But in this fair city, it proves impossible time and again for us to find lasting or sustainable relationships. It is mind boggling and has become a fairly constant topic of discussion within the group. Often over wine. Lots of wine.

Don't get me wrong--we also see, what CB and I lovingly refer to as the "epidemic", many of our friends settling into lasting relationships ending in marriage. And that's great. But we all wonder whether this phenomenon for us is a curse of the city in which we dwell or something more. There's a great scene in Sex and the City (I know, I kill myself referencing this show as well--how 2002) where one of the characters makes a revelation based on a famous scene from 'The Way We Were"--there are two types of women in the world--there are the boring girls, who, of course, Hubell ends up with, and there are the Katie girls--the ones who are a little bit larger than life, an little harder to tame. On more than one occasion while sipping mimosas on sidewalk cafes here in D.C. on lazy Sunday mornings, we have wondered if this stereotype is indeed true. Are we the Katie girls that are destined to be passed over for the easier and more controlled women? And if we are, should we change?

I believe the answer to the last question is a resounding Hell No! One of the things I adore and admire about my girlfriends is our drive and passion. Our strength of character and depth of emotion that makes it possible to constantly live a life filled with unrestrained laughter and a sense of independence that, well, some women lack. The same self assuredness that allows us to raise our hands, challenge a professor who has a lifetime of legal prestige behind him/her gives us the ability to walk into a crowded room alone and appear completely at ease, or stand up for ourselves eloquently in a professional environment. We don't hide our independence. It's something we celebrate as friends.

I would never change a thing about my girlfriends. Their strength, neuroses, brilliance and power is what draws me to them. I just wonder if it is the same thing that drives potential mates away. I love the sappy moments in television shows where the characters ponder the idea of soulmates. Eh, who knows. The other great thing about my gals that I have failed to mention until now--we're all happy. REALLY happy. With who we are and what we have, regardless of relationship status. But now YOU know that some stereotypes of female brunch conversation actually takes place. For whatever that's worth.

Rant over. Carry on..

The Eagle Has Landed

My apartment is finally coming together, after a short three weeks since moving in--it's a good feeling and definitely nice to come home to at least one complete room versus just a lot of stuff and not a lot of places to put it all.

It was an interesting weekend, full of lots of humor and revelations about where I currently exist. And it was all positive. I had a startling, yet timely, realization that it was time to let people go who had been nothing but judgmental and unsupportive for too long, and it was also a weekend of realizing the great people who remained to keep me balanced.

One of my favorite people in D.C. (and in my life), CB, woke up early with me on Saturday morning to head out to Ikea as it opened to try to find this elusive dresser that has kept my bedroom in a seriously un-zen state for 22 days. We hauled ourselves up there, coffee in hand, and made our way through the maze that is Ikea, College Park. They force you to walk through the ENTIRE store causing people to believe they need far more than they actually do. I was a victim of it, as was C, but it was wholly successful and the afternoon was full of promise as we pulled back into the District.

An interesting thing has happened in the last few weeks. Everyone I know seems to be doing some sort of home improvement/restoration. It's fun to have a posse of people who are all thinking about the same kinds of things--color schemes, furniture placement, curtains and bedding. CB was no exception. Having bought a new fabulous bed and all the fixings that go with that, she, too, was in the market for some accents and new goodies. Most notably a rug. Now, here's the first downfall of shopping with good friends--we persuade each other that what sits before us is really what you absolutely need right now no matter the price!!!!! Thus CB walked out of the rug department with a beautiful Gebbe rug far more expensive than the ones she envisioned purchasing before we arrived. (But it looks great, girlfriend!).

Strolling through the aisles and maze of "rooms" Ikea sets up inspired both of us, but after I located the dresser I wanted, we headed down stairs to the abyss of $hit you have to walk through to first get to the aisles where the boxes of furniture sit, and eventually to the checkout. I call this area the abyss of $hit because it includes everything you never EVER knew you needed, but HAVE to have. Case in point: The Jello Shot Trays.

Let me paint the picture: CB and I, weary after making it this far through the store, walk through the kitchen area of the abyss, stunned by all the shiny things they have. OOOHH a Wok! (I hate stir fry, and I was tempted to buy it). OOOHHH new plates! (I just bought a brand new set before moving in here). OOOHHH a weird grilling thing that has a bendy handle that moves and causes me to think I broke the damn thing just by picking it up (I don't even know on which kitchen surface I would use this). So you get the point. Just when we think we're in the clear, the two of us strolled past a bin filled with rubber trays with cut outs--stars, puzzle pieces, hearts, (beer) bottles. A large sign was advertising "Ice cube trays, $1.99!!!!". The two of us stopped dead in our tracks. If one of us had had a Sharpie I think we would have taken the sign, crossed out "Ice Cube Trays" and penciled in "Jello Shot Trays" since that's what we both exclaimed at precisely the same time we saw them. Clearly, we were purchasing a few of these and of course, we would throw a dresser warming party that night and try them out.

An hour later we were in the car back to the city, a Saturday morning well spent.

One of the things I hate about Ikea is the self assembly required for all their furniture. CB had assured me she "loved" putting Ikea furniture together and was a "pro" at it, so I happily dragged her back to my apartment and put her to work on the dresser, while she sent me away to get lunch. Now let's be clear: this was not one of the three drawer Ikea specials you see in most college dorm rooms: it's a large (and pretty) 8 chest bureau. I don't know if CB really took that into consideration as she pronounces her love of furniture assembly. As she steadily worked on the dresser, employing me as needed, I put together some bathroom fixtures and ran out to get the necessary ingredients of Jello shots (Vodka. Seriously. It's the only necessary ingredient. Oh, and Jello is helpful) and sent out the email to the gals about the impromptu party being held that evening.

3.5 hours later the dresser was put together, the Jello shots were firming in the refrigerator and CB and I were lounging in the living room having a celebratory vodka soda. It dawned on us, somewhere between the first and third ounce of vodka, that this is one of those boy afternoons where you kind of don't realize what missing until you need someone power tool inclined and wicked strong. But we also realized that girlfriends can make a pretty good team and stand in for the boy (we exclaimed as we gave each other high fives!) and we settled back in to our drinks comforted knowing that we could be each other's boyfriends as the opportunity presented itself.

The gathering, impromptu and small, was a great event. IG, our local male captain of the Pink Team graced us with his presence, was charming and complimentary as an captain should be, and fed us all jello shots out of a spoon. (Note to those rushing out the door to hit Ikea and get the Jello Shot Molds after reading this post: The actual formed alcohol infused jello is quite tricky to get out of the mold. Proceed with caution). It was just the end as great a day as anyone could have asked for, and I got to show off my new bedroom and fabulous dresser in the "preview" to my housewarming party (which might take place in December, based on the rate things are coming together!).

I love the times when the negative is canceled and buried by the positive and you're left with only the good and a bit of a lighter step. Cheers to that!

Experiments

The past few weeks have been an adjustment living alone. I love it, I love having my own space (even without a dresser and the apartment still largely packed) and the knowledge that the entire area is mine. But I'm social and I'm used to being around people a lot of the time, so sometimes it gets lonely. I don't have a TV right now, so when I'm looking to relax, unwind, have some mindless distraction, I have been reliant on my little Mac and the world wide web. I have cruised through most online shows offered for free on ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, FX, CW, and MTV. I have even downloaded (for $1.99) and episode of Top Chef since Bravo doesn't give shows away for free. I have sampled most of iTunes's free TV shows (and have gotten hooked on a few: Gossip Girl, to name one) and have been loving my Netflix subscription.

My current obsession (since there were only three seasons of Arrested Development. Robbery!) is The Sopranos. Yes, I am one of the few 20-30 somethings in the free world who has not ever seen this show. But people talked enough about it for the last 6 years I decided I, too, would see what all the fuss was about.

I love it. I'm totally into the whole "sensitive conflicted mobster who goes to therapy and then blows people's faces in" thing. Love it. I mean, I have thought for a long time that everyone could use an hour a week of talking to an unbiased listener about everything happening with them. I can't wait to start working at the Firm so I can get quality medical insurance that will let me have a therapist of my own! But I digress. There is only so many Sopranos episodes one can watch consecutively. I just finished the first season this weekend and realized I had an unrelenting craving for Italian food.

Every episode revolves around food and therapy. And the food always looks GOOD. So today, after a little law school reading I decided to enjoy the gorgeous weekend weather and take a stroll to the grocery store. Along the way I passed Blockbuster...ooh the temptation of another disk of the Sopranos. It was too much. I couldn't resist. And then I thought OOHH Meatballs! So my plan for Sunday evening materialized.

Moving into my new place did inspire me to actually use my kitchen. After all, it would be largely wasted space if I just let it sit there for show, right? But I've never been a good cook. Or a cook at all. So anytime I take on a cooking endeavor it's never clear what direction it's going to go. I'm not good at "following directions" or "using cookbooks" or "knowing what kitchen terminology means". So when I went home and found a recipe online for what one online guru deemed "the best meatballs EVER" I scanned the recipe and hit the streets again.

It seemed easy enough. Meat, eggs, breadcrumbs, cheese. This recipe used a combination of veal, beef and pork. A fancy endeavor indeed. I imagined, as I walked to Whole Paycheck, my upcoming meatball glory. Making them and having the other apartment dwellers in my building knocking down my door by the end because the aroma was just so overwelmingly intoxicating. I was inspiring myself!

And then I got to the store. Note to D.C. dwellers: Do not attempt Whole Foods on a Sunday at 4:45pm. It's hell. My plan, to save money, was to get the meat at the expensive store and then stop at our Soviet Safeway on the way back up for the basics--eggs, breadcrumbs etc. I got to the first place and almost threw in the towel altogether. It was a zoo. I dodged couples and baby strollers for 10 minutes and decided that braving two city grocery stores in one weekend day would be too much--I would suck it up and buy everything I needed at the expensive place. 3 kinds of meat (all free range), one pound each. Check. Cage free eggs. Check. Parmesean cheese. Check. Now where the hell are the breadcrumbs? I thought FOR SURE Whole Foods would have 17 different kinds to choose from. Up and down aisle after all aisle. Not a bread crumb to be found. And this is from a store that stocks 27 different kinds of wheat flour.

Tap Tap Tap. Excuse me, sir. Hi. Can you tell me where a breadcrumb might be? What? You're kidding. Are you telling me there is not ONE breadcrumb in the entire store? Huh? Oh, what's this. Hmm. Wait, this looks like some sort of Japanese thing. Are you SURE this is a breadcrumb? I'm making meatballs and I really don't want them to suck. No, I see that it says "Italian flavored" right on there, but it just doesn't seem too breadcrumby. Ok, I'll try it. Thanks!

Seriously. That was an interaction with a kind Whole Foods employee. Suddenly my illusions of meatball greatness started to fade. After 20 minutes in the "express" line and 60 dollars later I headed home to try my hand at the meatball. I mean, at this point there was no turning back. I had 3+ pounds of meat that I had no other plans for. I turned my computer back on and brought the recipe back up. Reading it more carefully this time, I noticed something interesting: In the ingredients section it said "One pound combined ground pork, beef and veal. Not one pound each. Damnit. What the hell am I going to do with all this meat! Well, how many meatballs can one pound of meat REALLY make? Hmm. 20-25. Wow. I'm going to have *a lot* of meatballs by the end of the night.

Knowing that I couldn't possibly make 75 freaking meatballs, I decided to make some tonight and save part of the meat (without having ANY clue what to do with the rest of it. Suggestions??). So I kind of added about 2/3 of the meat to a bowl and decided I would "eyeball" the rest of the ingredients until they seemed right. You know, from all my meatball making experience from the past.

I added an egg to the recipe. Decided to just dump some of the suspect breadcrumbs until it seemed right. Used the entire thing of cheese I bought. 4 cloves of garlic rather than one. I did follow the directions to mix it all with my hands (icky poo) and thought the mixture seemed a little dry. Hmm. I really didn't want to add another egg because of the ick factor of mushing it around in the meat mixture (for all those vegetarians, hang in there, it gets better) and had a stroke of genius (I thought) while gazing around my kitchen for other options. Wine! I mean, when doesn't booze make something better? I dumped a little Fat Bastard Shiraz into the pot and gleefully mushed it in, enjoying the purple tinge the mixture took on.

The recipe called for putting the meatballs on the rack over a cookie sheet, but who the hell has this kind of rack contraption in their kitchen? Seriously. So I threw those suckers (far larger than called for, but I didn't want to be making meatballs ALL night) right on the cookie sheet and threw them in the oven. I had no idea how long they would actually need to cook, so I used my killer cooking instinct as well and gave them 5 extra minutes after I was sure they had to be done.

The result? PERFECTION. I'm not kidding. I could open a meatball store and have customers lined up down the street. I was so thrilled with the result I wanted to call everyone I know. I mean, I feel a sense of redemption from cooking gone wrong so many times in my life, like the now infamous pumpkin pie incident of 2001 (so fine, I tripled the recipe accidentally and made enough pie filling for 9 pies instead of three. Who doesn't love pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving?) I'm hoping my meatballs will redeem me this Thanksgiving and get me off of napkin and tablecloth ironing duty. And silver polishing duty. And "anything we can do to keep DLS out of the kitchen" duty. My prize winning meatballs deserve better than that....

Reflections

I often forget that I have been out of college for almost 7 years and that my age is more than just a number, but a reflection of time that has passed and events that have occurred. I was thinking about that this past week, with the passing of the sixth anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. I was startled at the realization that it had been six years since that day--one that is surely indelible in most adult American minds. It was jarring not only because the day passed with barely a mention of the attack, but because it caused me to have this jolt of thinking about the highlights of the last six years.

And it made me remember, as the day normally does, where I was and what I was doing. We all have the epic moments--where were you when Kennedy was assassinated (no, I was not alive), or when the Challenger exploded or the Berlin wall came down. The Bush v. Gore decision. September 11. Some events resonate more clearly in our minds than others, some more permanent and alive, like a photograph gazed at for so long that you memorize not only the features of it, but the feeling encapsulated in that day--that moment.

The Senate was a heady place for a 22 year old, my dad used to say. And he was right. And the funny thing is, it remained this elevated, kind of sexy place before, during and after the attacks. We were at the center. We were the speculated 4th destination. We worked for the Boss who ran back into Russell "because he had staff in there!" We were stoic, in some senses, in our place on the hill. We were united, not only in the cause and the legislative tasks at hand, but in some sort of unspoken fear. I remember the days and weeks after the attacks as clearly as the day of. I remember after the attacks, after the anthrax letters, the phone call. At work. From my father. "DLS. Your mother would like you to come home now".

I left DC the weekend after the attacks. I went to Charlottesville on a Greyhound to feel something familiar and more removed. I got on the bus at Union Station and wanted to sink into my chair as we pulled out, onto 395. I was seated next to an older black woman who seemed friendly enough. I have never been one to be overly friendly to strangers. I would have sat the entire 2 hours reading my book and exchanging the most occasional pleasantries when necessary with her. But it's D.C., and everyone is curious about what everyone else does. She started a conversation and was asking me where I was going. I had graduated from UVA in May, I said. Going down to see some friends for the weekend. No, it wasn't really planned before this week, but I wanted a little break. Oh, what do I do? I work for the Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Pause.

We looked over to see the Pentagon, still smoking, with the rest of the bus crowding to their windows, taking pictures. I wanted to throw up. She took my hand and looked at me and said: "Child, you are doing something wonderful. The eyes of the nation are on you and your bosses and the rest of the angels who are keeping this government working in the aftermath of all that has happened. You are a leader and you are doing a remarkable thing."

I wanted to cry. I certainly did not think anything that I was doing was remarkable. Certainly not merely showing up to work in the morning. The following weeks, particularly post anthrax letter (I answered mail, for God's sake! it was unnerving), I would get on the metro at Dupont Circle and arrive at Union Station and more times than once, would consider staying on and not getting off. I mean, it would have been easy enough. But I never did. We just kept doing our jobs, one day at a time, with more security posted and less of a sense of being secure.

And six years later we look back to see the other tragedies that have amassed in that time. Katrina. The Tsunami. Virginia Tech. Myriad volcanoes and earth quakes. War. Life and death. I don't think that every year there needs to be a great pause every time we hit an anniversary of ones of these occurrences. Some events mean more to people in the fabric of their lives than do others. This one struck me this year because I remember the reflections I had on the first anniversary, when I was in Mali, not even a month into my 27 month odyssey. That morning, like the day itself is clear: Standing in open aired mud latrine with a bucket of warm water to take a bath, watching the night sky fade, listening to prayer call being chanted from the Muslim mosque down the path from my host family's house. Thinking of how far I had come and how peaceful this new place was. And about how much that day a year before had affected me.

I guess it's the same as the feelings I had at the end of last summer. It's always good to have things that keep you grounded with a strong sense of perspective. This reflection is one of those for me.

Jumping Back In

I realized a few days ago that I had become a little out of touch on here--I did not realize how long it had been since I posted anything! I've started a couple of posts over the past month, but they didn't ever feel quite right for some reason. So I'm trying afresh.

The month of August lived up to everything I had hoped--it was a solid incredible month--getting an offer, finishing work, attending my good friend's wedding, roadtripping to Vermont and spending one of the best weekends I could imagine on the Lake, heading home to my family, going to Maine, and moving into my own place. It amazes me how quickly it all went--but it was perfect. I spent a lot of hours up north considering what my next professional move would be. DC? Chicago? The Firm? It was unsettling a lot of the time, but it was a necessary process for me to go through in my own mind and with those closest to me in order to be sure I would make the right decision. Maine was a large time of inner debate--the Firm, the past 365 days, the decisions made and that would be ahead. I read books and chatted with my parents. I thought a lot of about the former Boy who had occupied my room in the cottage the previous summer with me and the space that has kind of been left behind since the end of the relationship. It was good to have some quiet and to be able to sit on my private porch and watch the ocean and breathe clean air. I felt like myself. I began to feel balanced again--a feeling that was so welcome after a summer that largely left me teetering around trying to remain somewhat close to my zen spot.

So here I am. I'm on my old couch in my new apartment. For a week I have padded around boxes and bags that remain packed until I buy a dresser and tables. But I don't mind, because it's my own place and my own space. I wander around in my undies, and sit in my living room without a tv and listen to the hum of the refrigerator, largely because I CAN. I walk to Whole Foods and Safeway and local coffee shops and pubs. There have been times where I've felt like I was in an entirely new city, even though I have lived here for years.

I've started my final year of law school. The beginning of the lasts. The last first day back, the last painfully high loan application for school (hooray!). It feels good to be back on campus with friends and academic stimulation. It's jarring to realize how quickly the time has passed, but it seems to be that way with everything as of late.

I looked out my window the other day and realized the days have gotten a lot shorter than the last time I had noticed. I always have a slightly nostalgic feeling as one season fades and another emerges. It's like the lyrics from that great song by Dar: "Summer ends and we wonder where we are, and there you go my friends with your boxes in your car". The feeling of change, movement, re-evaluation. It's never a bad thing, but it does sometimes cause one to pause.

So things in the nation's capital are good right now, and life remains pleasant.

Here We Go!

This is number one on the playlist for the next 10 days. It's going to be a glorious trip!

Wedding Day
Rosie Thomas

i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills
with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself
i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys in front their girlfriends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

Wide Open Spaces

I forgot what it feels like to have expanses of days with no obligations. Having finished my job on Friday, not having any schoolwork and having an offer (and a sweet one at that) in my back pocket, I have taken the past few days and have been able to really enjoy them.

Tomorrow I leave for my road trip to the cabin on the lake in Vermont with J and C and 8 of C's closest friends. I cannot wait. Lounging in the lake, drinking wine, grilling various meats (and fine, vegetarian fare of C) seems like the perfect mid-August weekend to kick off 10 days in the great NorthEast. I head south on Sunday to my parent's house to hang out and mull over all of the information I have regarding my offer, cities, moving, and my next big step.

Then it's off to the beach on Wednesday. 4 days in Maine, in the sun, on the coast with mountains of books and not much else.

So that's where I'll be for the next ten days. yippee!

Here's Looking At You, Kid....

There are things I love about DC that I would never want to change. Tonight was one of them.

Picture this: The National Mall--dusk. The Capitol to my front, the Monument to my back. Sun setting over the great city. Blankets laid out with 5000 people waiting for the movie to play. 2 girlfriends, on blankets, wine cheese and a breeze that would make you feel like you were anywhere but here. Casablanca, the movie, ahead of us.

We take a lot for granted. No one can deny that. But moments like this night are those you cannot. DC is a great place for a lot of reasons, none so grand as what is given to all of us. I sat tonight, on my Dogon wedding blanket, three girls who I adore on hand, and laughed and drank and ate cheese and bread amongst so many other people. We talked about our happenings: One who is still with the Good Senator, who is making these amazing decisions and choices and calls, who has the bravery of no one else I know; One who is with me in law school, in firm life, in that crazy place we call normal; One who works for the Presidential Candidate, while in law school, while juggling the rest of the world. And we sit, on the National Mall, watching an old movie that has never lost its grace, and I see that we are the same.

I can struggle. And I can call out. But with the girls I have, the girls we all have, we will never lose our grace. It was a great evening. Looking at J, talking to her about our good friend's fiance who is now on tap for war, and questioning what has changed between 1943 and now.

So much. So much has changed. And that's what makes things great. And it's what makes things comforting. We live our lives ensconced in those of others. And there is an added richness in that. I am thrilled and blessed with those who grace mine.

Here's looking at you, Kid. And it's a gorgeous picture I see.

The Celebratory Summer

*This was supposed to be published on Aug 11--it's a couple of days late getting up there!*

Today is the first day of the rest of all of our lives. I suppose every day is like that, but for my good friend LP I think that statement is really true.

LP and GC are marrying today--the same way I felt with my sister before her wedding is how I feel today-there is nothing more thrilling than seeing someone you love find extreme and true happiness with another, and being present and able to help them celebrate. Weddings are these great events--they are multidimensional because the day is truly about the 2 people who are getting married, but equally as much a celebration joined by the people who traveled down the path at so many different stages of life to get them here.

LP and I have been friends since working in the Good Senator's office--a moment after college, during 9/11 when L, J, R and I felt like we were the princesses of the marble halls of Russell and Dirksen. I think every young staffer feels like that--we were no anomoly--an it's funny to experience the metamorphisis from feeling heady and important (ha--22 years old--what a great and delusional age) to gaining the understanding that the work we were doing is important, but we are simply one of many many many people helping to make a machine run.

We were the fun ones in the office. We bonded at cocktail receptions that the Senator and his senior staff were invited to but passed their invitations down to us. It was comical--all of these lobbying groups, companies etc would provide lavish spreads--booze as far as you could see, mounds of cheese, h'ors doerves and when you looked around it was all junior staff coming to partake in the bounty. I'm not going to lie. It was hard living in DC on $26,000 a year. So we took advantage anytime free food and drink was offered. I used to say that it should be illegal to give away free alcohol to anyone who made less than $35k/year as it seemed to foster what some might call "excessive drinking".

As naive (but fun!) 22 year olds, L, R and I made highly intelligent decisions. The one we still laugh about (frequently) is when hatched the brilliant plan to document our escapades as young, single, bargoing DC girls in one of the hill online rags, HillZoo. We even got the committee's press person to ok it. We did not, however, cover our bases with the senior staff in the personal office. A decision that would come back to haunt all of us....

The posts were hilarious--witty, racy, and totally inappropriate. The editor of HillZoo loved us--probably because we thought it completely fine to use taglines such as this highly memorable one: "Brass Monkey: A bar where you start the night pounding shots and end it pounding a random stranger". (Mom, I know, you should feel proud).

We did this for months and months. When it took us more than three weeks to give them a new column, people would actually complain. L was famous for smacking people's asses after a few cocktails and having it end up in that week's column much to her chagrin and pleas of more editing. But it was harmless fun..until I left the Senate and the news leaked out...

I left to save the world (Peace Corps, duh) and we all decided to hang up our HillZoo shoes upon my departure. For months the editor wanted to publish our identities or who we worked for. We refused to let him (deep down we all knew that this would probably reflect poorly if, say, the Senator discovered his three young staffers penning this kind of article). When I left and we pulled the plug, the editor pleaded to keep it going between R and L, they said no. We told him thanks, but it was time to move on. I left for Vermont a few days later to get ready for my next big adventure and left L and R and J in DC...

Then the email arrives. "DLS: Chief of Staff wants to talk to you. Oh, and you might want to check HillZoo's comings and goings section". Oh. Shit. Our agreement with editor was that he would never reveal our identities--the most people new of us were our first names and that we worked for a senator. What we did not ban, or not overtly anyway, was the revelation of identity after we had all finished. That's right, front and center on the first page of HillZoo was an entire bio about me leaving, who I worked for, where I was going, and the column we all used to write. And L and R were implicated just as much. Oops.

I got off the easiest--I had already left the office. L and R had to sit face to face with Chief of Staff and Scary C and get their little life lessons. I sent an angry and forceful email to editor demanding he take the latest post down. Life went on.

J, L, R and I reminisce a lot about that year. They all stayed on for various amounts of time (J is still there, and is super important now, but this time for real). But we've all grown up a lot too in the past 6 years--it's a joy to think L is getting married today, and R will be in less than a year. And I have no doubt that our naive beginnings are being replicated by many more heady, ambitious and carefree 22 year olds. But I do believe that we had and continue to have more fun than any of them.

Congratulations LP and GC--you two are perfect for each other and I cannot wait to celebrate this amazing day with the two of you.

Keepin' On

So. It's amazing what a little resolve can do for a gal. I have believed for some time that we posess and amazing ability to determine our trajectory. As mentioned before in other posts, there is something to be said about fate--it moves us forward in certain ways but is in no way an independant actor on the paths of our lives.

Today is the last day of July. And it was a good day. In the midst of all that is swirling around in the eye of my own personal hurricane, I am beginning to think that with my head down and eyes on course, the next month is going to be breathtaking.

I have 9 more days of work. My how far we've come this summer. I use the collective we--everyone who has stuck on through the most depressing posts ever, as well as the fellow summers who are feeling the weight that is this law firm bearing down on us. Nah, we're not through the hardest of it all, I don't think there really is a "hardest" in this kind of thing, but it's kind of like those last few weeks of winter. Tentatively looking outside each morning to make sure a NorEaster has not crept in, and beginning to see a little green bud of life poking through the snow. I do love drama, but I think anyone can get the idea.

August will be a great month. Will I get an offer from the firm? In ten days I'll know. Here is what I know right now, on July 31st, 2007: In the next 30 days I will move into a home with rooms of my own; I will road trip up to Vermont with two of my favorite Vermont turned DC gals and spend a weekend on Lake Champlain drinking wine, floating in the water, twirling in the sun, and blowing kisses to the stars; I will throw sticks to Phoebe the Dog in my backyard and grill veggies with my parents and listen to the crickets talk; I'll host a housewarming party/birthday party/revolution of life for myself and everyone I know; I will finally let go of all the rest; I will be happy.

None of the above are negotiable. They are givens and only a supreme act of fate can make me change my course. Sometimes being a little lost is kind of exciting. In the process of finding yourself you get the opportunity and excuse to open your eyes really wide and rediscover everything that has been obscured underneath that shroud.

A Tale of Two Cities

What is it about new cities that makes things a little clearer? I think it is the feeling of freshness--of everything being new, a little exciting, kind of scary and very anonymous. An ability to reinvent who you are, even for a few days, in a place where no one knows your day to day routines and habits, habitual haunts or skeletons that peek out from your closet. The feeling of being lost and found all at the same time.

I was in Chicago this past week. Ostensibly for work but secretly to see if this change of scenery would suit me. Moving from the shores of the Potomac to those of Lake Michigan in an attempt to find an answer to a question that I am not sure I can even articulate now. Driving in from the airport to a skyline dotted with daunting buildings rather than low lying monuments, on streets that were dominated by cabs rather than personal cars, in an office on the 39th floor gazing down at the boats on the lake, Indiana in the distance, picnic blankets on the amphitheatre rather than looking from the 12th floor onto the home of the President.

I am at the point where I think I need to shake things up, make a change in my life. I have been searching for something not only the past 2 months, but since embarking on this journey of law school as well. And I think in every journey, whether it is to the grocery store, through grad school, wandering through the abyss of dating, or meandering through life, we all occasionally get lost. But I think there are different levels--ranging from turning a virtual corner, ending up in a real bad neighborhood, recognizing it immediately, and correcting your path as quickly as you strayed off course. And then there is when you find yourself in, what I like to call, the abyss of what the fuck. Where up is suddenly down, things that are tried and true seem to be failing, where you find comfort in the most unlikely places and people and no matter how often you close your eyes and hold your breath and click the heels of your ruby red wedges, when you look back up you're still in the same place.

A lot of what I have blogged about this summer has lead me to the stark realization that I am ensconced in my own abyss of what the fuck. I was sitting in Chicago, looking out my window onto the shores of Lake Michigan when it became clear that all of these different threads that I have written about largely in an individual manner have woven into a thick shroud that I am not sure how to come out from under. Actually. That's a lie. I do know how to come out from under it, or at least start peeking out once again from under it. But it's hard and unpleasant and I hate being forced into self confrontation. That's not to say that I am averse from taking responsibility for my own turns in the road that has left me stranded in this abyss--I just hate knowing that when I turn around and start trying to get myself out of this abyss, there will be people who will have to be cast away--those who I have held onto and put unnatural faith in and who seem to have powers that bring out some good and a lot of bad. And I know that even being on the road back I will most likely make some missteps and the path is not going to be..clear.

So Chicago. It feels like it's a million miles away (ok ok, 659 miles away) but right now I have this twitching in my gut that says it might be the end of this road back. But that's getting ahead of myself. It can be a lonely journey--much of what is in your head and heart--and it's scary. Searching for a path that is not wholly clear even for the explorer is daunting. I'm kind of hoping to stumble onto a magic map that will give me all the answers. Until then, I'm stuck with dusting off whatever compass still exists within me, strapping on the hiking boots and hoping that I meet some of the kind and deep souls along this journey that have graced those in the past. And as always, continuing to keep a little faith in myself, since, well, it's gotten me this far, right?

Collect Ephemera

I caught some flack from a few loyal readers (thanks mom) about the removal of what had been my most recent post. I am not going to repost it, because I didn't feel it fair to the person who was causing the sadness and pain that it described. As I said, I don't know who reads this thing, and having addressed the situation privately it just didn't seem...prudent.

But I stick by my stained glass assertion and the need to let light in to catch the most compelling reflections that make up the intracacies of individuals. So there you have it. Moving on.

This week's topic is going to stray a bit from the angst ridden posts of my life in a law firm to something far far more joyous--my darling and wonderful sister's upcoming wedding which is taking place in 8 days. Not surprisingly, this momentous event has caused me to contemplate a number of different emotions surrounding weddings. Both for the bride to be, as well as for those who are merely the spectators and revelers in such an occasion.

Being a witness (albeit a distant one down here in DC) to the preparation of marriage has definitely made me pause a little bit. Watching this gorgeous person who I have known my entire life go through the processes of marriage makes wonder where the past 28 years have gone. When did we grow up? How is this possible?

My AP English teacher in high school gave my class some great advice before we graduated. She told us wherever we went and whatever we did, to collect ephemera. It is in the passing moments, she explained, the ones the glimmer and fade quickly, that create the fullest patchwork of our memory and experience. This conversation and piece of advice has come up a few times in the last few days and J's marriage makes me wander back through the ephemeral moments that I've caught with her since high school. I was looking at photos the other night--one in our backyard the day J came home from camp for a day off with her gals, the two of us standing, arms around each other, while her friend took a photo from the ground. I remember the day clearly--it was a gorgeous Vermont summer day, I had been working at the pool, they all came down to swim whisked me back home before they had to take back off for camp.

Or a night more recently, after parents had gone off to bed and my sister and I sat bundled on the front porch on a very quiet winter's night drinking wine and talking about past sadnesses and regrets, while gaining a deeper respect for the similarities we share.

Or my freshman year, sitting in my college dorm room alone, crying my eyes out after finding out that my legs weren't well enough to put me back in the boat for our race against Cornell, that my whole family was going to attend, and that I would not be going to, and getting an email with a small stanza from The Boxer and the quiet words of encouragement and support.

Coming home from Mali and watching my sister bounce past security before I had made it out of the secured area to be the first to embrace me.

I could go on and on. But some of my favorite ephemeral moments will remain ours to share. The point being--looking at some of these moments I see the richness and grace that has been infused into my life through them. And I watch a woman prepare to get married and feel a deep sense of joy and respect, knowing that the moments with us will continue regardless of age or place or relationship status.

I am so very very proud of the steps that have led my sister to this marriage that is coming so quickly and the moments we have shared along the way.

Go See 'Evening'

This movie is astounding. I think ever mother, sister and best friend should see it.

There are no mistakes. There is life. We move with purpose and grace. We are mysterious creatures.

Go see Evening.

Revolutions

I turned 28 on Thursday, and it has was a great day. I had a birthday gathering last night to celebrate and enjoyed the easy company of my dear friends. It has been a good week.

And, surprisingly, it has been a good week professionally as well. I'm a pleaser. I like to make people happy. I like to fix things that I sense are not quite right. Professionally and personally, I do my best to create harmony among the people in my life.

It turns out it's not so easy to do in a large international law firm. I tried. Oh did I try. Based on the last couple of posts I think it's fairly clear that I failed. Miserably. But I don't think it's my fault. We are armed at the beginning of the summer with ways to politely say "no" to work. Things like "I would really love to help you, but let me tell you what is on my plate now so you have an understanding of my constraints that already exist" or "I appreciate the chance to work with you on this project, but I think you should talk to Other Partner I am Currently Being Enslaved By to decide what percentage of my time (blood, sweat and tears) should be going to each project".

In theory, those lines really do seem like magic bullets. Easy ways to take the pressure off of the young associates (or summer associates) to keep piling work on when they are already completely over extended. Well. Here's what they don't tell you in training: Partners are greedy and they don't give a shit about another partner's project. You know why? Because, that other partner's deal is not going to raise their personal paycheck at the end of the day. You eat what you kill. You do not feast, at partner level, on another partner's bounty.

So therein lies the problem. And that has been a big problem for me. Using those great lines, getting half of it out of my mouth to be told "I don't care about the other project or the other deadlines you have. Here's my project. I need it in 35 seconds". Bitch. Slap.

By Tuesday of this past week, at 5pm, when the third person said this to me in, oh, a week, I hit my tolerance threshold. I envisioned an act of physical violence (I am a really passive person. Make love. Not war) while saying GET IN LINE, SHITHEAD. Instead, I curtly sat, tersely responded and in the end stayed at the office until 3am trying to get it done. But the breaking point had been hit.

My friends who have followed the path of this summer with me, most often steadily walking with me, supporting me and giving me all of the zen and positivity they have, or the one(s) who have given the dose of reality in pointing out that I do have other choices, I can make an independent decision, and to stop being so desperate appreciate that it's not easy to speak up and assert unhappiness. Tuesday, I had an epiphany while sitting in the office getting dumped on. I don't need this. I don't deserve this. And I will not spend the next six weeks wallowing in a trough of misery.

So I stood up for myself. In a calm, collected, unemotional and professional manner. I was honest. I had lunch on Thursday with my partner mentor and the woman who I have been working with on the project finance deal. We went to a lovely restaurant (for all the DC kids--go to Blue Duck Tavern--it's delish) and mid-meal when they asked me how things were really going, I told them. I was tactful. I did not say "You people must be batshit crazy if you actually think I would actually come back here when I get an offer". Instead, I stated three things: I have noticed a lack of respect among partners for other partner's projects. I have noticed and felt a great lack of respect from work providers when I try and assert balance with them. I have noticed a lack of communication generally, and a lack of respect for other's deadlines.

It was a good place to start. I did not want to complain or bad mouth other partners or projects. But I needed to open the discussion for "here is what I have noticed and here is why I have and some other summer's might not see this yet". And I think it worked. They were embarrassed. And horrified. There were follow up conversations. Promises of change. Profuse apologies.

I do not hold my breath. But at least in the firm my feet are solidly placed, I am standing upright, and I feel a sense of strength. I feel like my fierceness has returned.

My associate mentor--an amazing little powerhouse of a woman--and I have spent a lot of time the past week honestly talking about my experience and hers. She has been really concerned about my situation and has done what she can, in her junior position, to try to help. She has given some great advice. One of the best pieces came at 2:30am on Tuesday as we were both stuck at the office. "DLS, get your offer. Get your reviews which will be glowing. And then look around. You do not have to come back here. And no one will be surprised if you don't. You have other options.'"

I can't predict what will happen between now and August 11. But I am have regained at least a semblance of control over my life. And that, I think, is what is ultimately important.

Things DLS Is Thankful For

I know it's not November. But come on, sometimes it's good to reflect on the...good.

Sometimes my posts can be kind of downers. I know this, it's kind of the way it is, because sometimes life can be a downer. And I worry, at times, because this is a snapshot of what I am thinking about at any given moment, and I hate to alarm people.

But then there are the times when those snapshots are more panoramic than I care to admit. I have these great friends who comment on here--and I adore that. And then I have my family. None of whom have crossed the comment border. But I get emails from them, effectively commenting on posts. Last night I got many.

We all get lost every now and then in our own lives. It's inevitable. I use my gals, my darlings, my loves, as compasses. I am remarkably fortunate to have them. And sometimes I feel very very far from the rolling hills of Vermont. From the wisdom I gained in the farmhouse in which I was raised. But other times, like today and last night, I have a moment of clarity as to where I have come from, and why I am who I am.

I love my family. I always have. I always will. I love that I come from 2 people who are as unjudging and supportive as my parents. I adore my siblings. I bask in the friendship my sister and I have developed, sometimes painfully, over the years. I am humbled by their support and honesty. I am guided by their peace and wisdom. And I feel free to be who I am, without apology or struggle because of their strength that they impart on me.

I do, I feel lonely right now. But I never feel alone. And it's because, sometimes in the quiet night when only the crickets are chirping in our fields outside the house, I get a note of steady and unwavering support from my family. I can hear my mom's sing song voice reminding me of the beauty of the day, my dad's wit and sarcasm and always adoration of the prospect of learning and growth, my sister's slow, steady and solid voice of reason, and, every now and then, my brother's jovial pat on the shoulder and I know, I am comforted knowing ,that no matter what path I travel, I will never be alone.

This has been a tough week, a tough day in DLS's world. Work, friends, life. It's never easy. I hope it's often rewarding, but sometimes it's just one big struggle. But I know no matter what is happening, no matter where I am, no matter what my paycheck or loan payment is, I will always have home. And for that, I am thankful.

Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?

I am fairly certain that no one is actually checking this blog anymore since I have been silent for weeks now. But as it is a great mode of decompression for me, I am going to keep writing and hope that anyone who loyally reads might come and take another look.

The past three weeks have been...intense. And tiring. And have forced me to really evaluate what it is that makes me happy, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing with this kind of complicated life that I lead. I exhaust myself, at times, in the sense that I feel like there are so many people making the decision to just join the firm, work the corporate law job, put one foot in front of the other as we are told to do in law school. And then there's me. I struggle against the easy decisions. I like to make things more complicated than they have to be. I question everything and often to my own detriment. But in this case, in the case of my job, I like to think it's because I actually value being happy. I know, most people do, but unlike a lot of other folks, I actually have a fairly strong sense and handle on what creates my happiness.

Project finance, shockingly, does not. Corporate finance also does not rank too high on the DLS happiness scale. I like to think that I can be that person who gets the job done, who reviews financing agreements for 100 million dollar deals 17 times to make sure commas are placed in the right spaces, defined terms are capitlized, and that every last period is placed exactly where it needs to be. But where is the fulfillment in that? Who am I helping? What am I contributing to? Surely, our client. Perhaps acting as the lender, perhaps in the role of the borrower on any given deal. I can argue that in this firm I am helping the environment, as much of the project finance work that is being done is for clients who are working on renewable energy projects, biodiesel, windmills, etc. But at the end of the day, where is the tangible gain that allows me, in my somewhat crazy and not always rational world, to put my one foot in front of the other?

This job makes me feel lonely. It's what I realized about 2 days ago. It's a feeling that has been creeping very slowly over me since week One. It makes me want to be dating someone so I can feel a physical and emotional closeness to a person, because there is no emotional depth at all to the work I am doing. I commented to my friend J that this is the first time, I do believe, in my professional life (or my personal life) that I feel like I am not doing something that has a positive impact on individuals, or that makes someone's life a little easier (ok ok, except the partner's, who is making BANK from these deals. His life is easier. Thank God). It is bothersome, and depressing. To this same friend (poor guy, he bears the brunt of my musings these days), late one night, as I was chatting with him while watching the clock tick eternal at my desk while drafting schedules to agreements, I realized I actually felt really really sad.

I don't balk from emotion. I appreciate it, I bask in it, I like to feel because it makes me feel alive. But I don't like the empty and lonely sadness I have felt passing over me, sometimes lingering, in waves over the past month. But what do I do? Where am I going from here?

I have been many places in my life. I like to think that from each place where I have paused, I have taken something with me. One of my most prized takings is the volumes of journals I kept while in Mali, and the very public journal I kept on this site last summer while I was in Kenya. I revisited both of these this past weekend and was reminded of where I have been and where I would like to be going. After a particularly trying week in Mali, about at the time I had passed a year in my village, I wrote "There are times I want to stand on my roof so everyone in the village can see and hear me and tell these people who keep bringing me their children and their parents and their relatives who are ill, asking me to heal them with by touch or magic medicine, that I CANNOT SAVE YOU PEOPLE, the only person who can save you is yourselves." The last post I wrote while in the refugee camp last summer ended with this:

"But that is why I will keep coming back to this as the place where my heart lies. There is such honesty and truth in suffering, and the only way to respond is likewise. I cannot imagine a life that is void of this feeling--trying to find a way to better the lives of people who cannot do it on their own. In the end, there is no us and them."

I still feel that way. But now, in this moment, or from the moment I re-read it, it dawned on me: the only person who can save me is myself, and I have not lost the desire to feel as intensely passionate about something as I did last summer. Dramatic, but true. I can sit at my desk and feel...helpless. I can look around and come up with myriad reasons why this firm and the people here are creating my depression and angst (and it would not be a lie). But I am the only person, just me, who will determine where my foot is placed next. And when I make that decision about where I am going, I will know that it is right.

Maybe it will be back here. It most likely will be, as 180k in debt aint gonna pay itself off. But a lot can happen in a year or two. (Yes. I just linked to myself. Because I am that cool). I'll let everyone know when my footing is back to be being solid.

What's a Girl To Do?

It's Memorial Day weekend (moment of silence folks, memorial day...), I am sitting in my future apartment with two cats who love me, straightening up before my gals come over for mimosas and chit chat before brunch, and what do I see when I turn on the TV? LEGALLY BLONDE. oh wow. Sundays do not get better than this.

Here is the fave line thus far (3 minutes after turning it on): What does she have that you don't? Three tits?

HAHAHAHAHA. DLS might kind of be losing it. But it's fun!

Week One: Done

So I had a bit of a panic attack this week. As I was wandering the labyrinth of my firm's halls looking for one of the zillion conference rooms over looking the White House, I started to wonder how I got here. Was it a product of free choice or one of expectation? I think a little of both. I know what the motivations were for taking this job (cash. seriously. that was the motivation and I am not ashamed to admit it) but really, I don't think I ever expected to actually start. You get the offer in October, 8 months before the job begins. So it's pretty easy to forget that you actually have start.

But you do. And panic attacks aside (please-this is the first of many. I have been called melodramatic more than once) the first week was...decent. Lots of work, fantastic people, good dining on the firms expense, and a few drinks here and there and my first paycheck. I don't think this summer is going to be life changing, or riveting, but it will definitely be challenging. And I have never been one to run for challenge.

Off to my massage. It's the perk of the paycheck.

What Would You Do In 4 Months?

This has been an intense day for DLS. It started so nicely. A leisurely morning in bed, followed by a lovely walk to the Metro Center area of DC for some shopping for "firm wear". (Ok ok, I got two firm appropriate shirts and 2 fun ones. What's a gal to do??).

I was walking home, about a block from my house listening to some Dar Williams and feeling pretty good about the day. When all the sudden a man came careening out of his house, grabbed me and said "Please help me! I don't know what to do!". DLS likes to think she's level headed and a good person, so she calmly said "ok, calm down, what's going on"? The man explained that his partner had collapsed in their house, he was very hard of hearing and could not call 911 and needed help. Clearly, I pulled out the cell phone and called the dispatcher. I had to relay all of the intimate details of his partner's condition. He has leukemia. Had been given four months to live. Code blued on vacation in Miami just two weeks before. The dispatcher had me find out his history, his family history, personal history. I gave her my cell phone number because the man could not remember his own. I stayed with him until the ambulance came--I am certified in CPR and his partner was barely breathing.

I watched the scene unfold and could not help but be reminded of my own mortality. As I wandered home 15 minutes later, anonymous once again, this but a momentary flash for me and the rest of this man's life, I started to wonder how I would spend 4 months if I knew they were my last. With family, no doubt, and friends of course. Would I fly to Morocco tomorrow and climb the Atlas mountains? Or would I go back to Vermont and sit on our deck with my parents and Phoebe the dog and watch the sun set over our field each night? Maybe go back to China and wander through the hutongs in Beijing, or maybe go to 6 flags and ride every scary and death defying ride they have. Most likely I would go back to Mali and spend a month in my village with the people who changed my life the first time around.

I don't know what I would do. It's interesting to think about. What would YOU do? While you think about it, I'm going to continue sipping my 3pm gin and tonic to calm my nerves and enjoy the space I occupy in this world right here and now.

What's in a Year?

At the closing of any occasion of accomplishment, I am someone who finds it difficult not to pause and kind of take stock of where I am and from where I have come over the previous 365 days. It's a great way to do a mental and emotional check and to evaluate ways in which I can move forward in the most positive manner.

For those readers who are new to this blog, it actually started out as an account of my summer working in a refugee camp, with all of the first 15 or so posts detailing that experience. I started it a year ago, thanks to my friend H's suggestion after noticing, I am sure, the 100+ names on my group emails. And it struck me today, as I woke up without setting my alarm, surveyed the mine field which is my room, and laid in bed thinking about things to do today on this glorious and empty morning, how different this time last year was for me.

I left for Kenya on May 27, 2006. For the week leading up to it, this week, I was working on my journal writing competition, called "write-on". Let me explain a little but about this for those not familiar. Journals are big in law school--they are great for resumes, and they are basically student edited, selected and reviewed scholarly journals. Most put out about 4 issues a year, and each journal is topical (for example, mine is the International Law journal). The write on competition is held for 11 days after exams your first year and it's your only path onto a journal. Students buy a packet (making money off us any way they can!), with about 300 pages of topical research already compiled and a 50 question "bluebooking" test, and we have 11 days to write a 10 page note addressing the controversial area law at hand using only the sources and articles contained in the packet. See, the reason why write-on is stressful is because once you finish, you wait until the end of July to see if you were selected to be on a journal that you ranked. Immediately following finding out is when the interviews for 2L summer associate positions begin. Who wants to be the person who has to explain to their interviewers why there is no journal listing on their resume when the 10 people prior to that interview all successfully wrote on? It's awful.

So that's what I was doing. And packing my room. And saying goodbye to friends. And shopping. And having panic attacks daily. And figuring out how to pack for 6 weeks in a refugee camp followed by 4 studying law in London. And trying not to go insane.

So the summer came and went (I won't rehash it here--it's all in previous posts) and as I sat with S on the plane to Boston from London, after spending about every waking minute together since May 27, she looked over at me and said "So where do you think you'll be one year from now? Did you ever think this is where you'd be a year ago?" We both paused and thought about that. She continued and said "That's what I love about life: the best laid plans always change, and in a short period of time things can change and all of the sudden you're on a UN plane from Nairobi wondering oh my god, how did I get here!".

And I think that's one of the truer statements I have heard. I think there are times we fight change, because it's easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other than to allow yourself to veer off course, make a change, close your eyes, hold your breath and jump. I look back at where I was a year ago and am forced into pause to see how much I have grown through the experiences, some remarkable and some remarkably hard, that I have confronted, created, or dealt with over the last 365 days.

So where do you see yourself in a year, I wonder. I am trying to envision myself in 7 days since I will be 4 days into my life as a lawyer and that's hard enough. Having a moment and taking stock is good, though, for me, since it reminds me that an occasional jaunt off the beaten path keeps things interesting and has the ability to change your life.

I Feel Like I Just Gave Birth to a 31 Page Paper

I am done! Hooray. I could not be happier and turning in my final paper which has been the focus of this semester this morning was like a 2 ton weight being taken off my shoulders. And I have to say I am pretty happy with it. Let's hope my professor is as well...

I have 5 days to make the "transition" from exam mode to work mode. Lots of mixed feelings, but I feel that this summer is going to be a good one--challenging, a little scary, but a good chance to see if I can hack it in this corporate law world I am being shoved into.

I am going to continue sipping my beer in the journal office enjoying the freedom of being...DONE.

I Think I Love My Mac...

So, I caved in September and bought a Mac after having 2 HPs arrive at my doorstep broken (everyone boycott HP!!! they're evil!). And after a few weeks of staring lovingly at my Mac, all shiny and white, practically coaxing me to start my own garage band just 'cause I could, I finally became, what one might call, a devotee of Apple products. Nothing makes DLS happier than calling with questions to the Apple helpline, and being received by some nice person with a hearty Midwestern accent, who listens to DLS without judgment (as she is a self-proclaimed computer idiot), and who DLS can feel nodding and practically patting her head over the phone, then offering unlimited time and support, to help DLS figure out how to log onto the internet.

I was calling Apple those first few weeks just to chat--I would come up with anything, really, that I thought they might be able to help me with. It was kind of like therapy included in the price of your computer. What could be better?

But then in December something horrible happened, right in the middle of exams: DLS turned on her computer one morning and instead of the *DING* and happy little apple picture popping up, a very scary blinking question mark flashed instead. And there was no ding. DLS spent 90 minutes on the phone with the technician. DLS was not a happy camper, and I think the technician could tell. So, with his inability to aid me over the phone, I popped on the metro and went to my neighborhood Apple store for some in-person freak out session/therapy/technical support. The hard drive was dead, they informed me. But I left my computer, wrapped in it's fun neoprene case, with the Apple people and did what any self respecting law student who was in the middle of exams and was told her computer just died would do: soothed myself with some retail therapy.

Here is what I love about Apple: 3 hours and about 300 dollars worth of clothing and makeup later, I got a call from Apple. My computer was fixed. THREE HOURS PEOPLE. It was not shipped to Hong Kong, DLS was not asked to take the back off and remove random chips (thanks HP, you freaks), no, the computer stayed put and the geniuses at the store fixed it. In 3 hours. However, while I had the foresight to buy the 3 year protection (DLS is not good with technology. Sometimes things break), there are some things that the warranty does not cover. Like water damage. I arrived back at the store, hopeful and glowing, to be told that, in fact, my little computer had been a victim of water damage. (Maybe as a result of my shower leaking into my bedroom for two months without my LL fixing it. Just sayin'). I looked at my now empty wallet and my stomach SUNK. Hard drives are expensive. DLS did not want to return her new fun things. I think the Apple man saw the desperation in my eyes, and had witnessed my panic attack 3 hours before, and pushed the invoice toward me, this time really patting me on my shoulder while saying: "You know, based on everything you've been through, and in the spirit of the holidays, we're going to not mention the water damage, and not charge you for the hard drive. We'll pretend it was just a malfunction". Ladies and gentlemen, if I had had a ring I would have gotten on one knee and proposed to Apple man at that moment. Seriously. And then I would have drugged him and forced him down the aisle. I was THAT thankful. And stable.

So my Mac has been happy. Until recently. I am in exams..again. And suddenly my shiny new hard drive is telling me that I have no disk space left, that I can't save anything else. How is this possible? It's new! Is it the 2500 photos? 4000 songs? Being a responsible (fine, semi-responsible) adult, I called Apple man back. Apple man, what the hell. Apple man was patient and calm, once again. Apple man sold me an external hard drive, the same thing DLS's parents had been begging her to buy since she got the new computer. Apple man told DLS to move stuff over and make some room.

So today, as I was gearing up to start my take home exam and the mean little icon popped up saying there was no more disk space, I finally decided to take the external HD out of the box and see if I could make it work. DLS had to call Apple again, because she could not figure it out. (Do you like how DLS so flawlessly switches between 1st and 3rd person narrative in this? I think it adds a little something). So all my photos, every one of them, were moved from the snappy and smart iPhoto to my ugly gray external HD. I figured there would be at least half the disk space open after that move. When DLS opened the little thingy that tells you this information she saw that in fact, only 2GB of 75 had been freed.

DLS is not a happy camper. It's time to go visit the friendly Mac people again, in person. I think I love my Mac, but the verdict could go either way....

Lawyers DO Have A Sense of Humor!

It's exam time. It's really here. There's no getting around it. Every day I sit with the other (more) diligent students in the library, staring out the window at the lovely weather we're having. And then stare back at my computer screen and books and whimper silently to myself.

So, it's not surprising that any small piece of humor is welcomed with open arms, breaking up the monotony of whatever class I'm studying for at that moment.

Right now that class is Decedents' Estates, also known as "Wills and Trusts". I have a closed book exam for this class on Thursday, and there's a lot of information. A LOT. So I did what any other law school student would do who is hoping to get an above average grade on the exam: I went right out and bought all the study guides I could find, including a box of flash cards that cost me $42.95. In the past week I have been working my way through the 765 cards included in this box, and I have to admit, they weren't a bad investment. The full realization of just how GOOD an investment they were came the other day, while I was quizzing myself on the creation of valid Last Wills and Testaments:

So the topic at hand was latent and patent ambiguities in Wills (those not familiar with this subject, fear not, it really has nothing to do with the hilarity which ensued as a result). I'm reading my cards, learning all about how courts go about determining the intent of the testator when ambiguity is present in the will. First we (the cards and I) go through the black letter law. Then we move on to the hypothetical questions. Now, in all of these study guides, the authors (all law profs and lawyers) like to use witty names, often cartoon characters or other well known pop culture icons as their subjects. However...this one took the cake (and this is full and unabridged, from card #175):

"Dr. Doolittle is a bona-fide animal lover. In his will, there is a bequest to the Society of the Protection of Tits and Asps, in CT. Now, CT has a Society for the protection of Tits, a bird lovers group. And it has a Society for the Protection of Asps, for reptile lovers. But there is no Society for the Protection of Tits and Asps. When Doolittle dies and his will is probated, should the court allow testimony and personal correspondence regarding Doolittle's intent?"

WHO CARES! This box of cards was DEFINITELY worth the 43 bucks for the laugh I got out of card #175. It's the small pleasures that keeps DLS going through exams. What can I say, Im easy to please.

Wahoowa

I went to UVA undergrad. My mom went there for nursing school. My dad for law school. I came to UVA as a hippie Vermonter who did not own a pair of black "hoochie" pants in the land of sororities. But I left with great friends and a fantastic education, and there are times I miss Charlottesville and UVA.

There is a rival, in Virginia, between schools. It's not uncommon. My friend M and I always ribbed each other in Peace Corps. She was a Hokie, I was a 'Hoo, and we thought our individual schools were superior.

UVA has a bridge that belongs to the students. It's called Beta Bridge. Almost every night you find different student groups, sports teams, frats, individuals, painting it, advertising something or other happening on campus. I remember one morning I woke up and turned the corner, onto Rugby Road to see the bridge painted in pale yellow with blue writing saying "Amy, I'd do the stars with you, anytime. Will you Marry me?". Every female on the UVA campus melted that day. I still have a photo hanging in my room of the bridge painted when the new rowers were chosen for the team my freshman year. Same bridge, 6000 coats of paint later.

Below I am posting a letter in its entirety from the VA Tech student government to the UVA community. It's true--this past week we have not been 'Hoos v. Hokies, we've all been together, past and present, students and alums, in solidarity. Enjoy.

Date: April 17, 2007

On behalf of 30,000 students, administrators, and our Virginia Tech community, I cannot begin to express our gratitude for the outpouring of sympathy, support, and compassion UVA has shown us in the past two days.

It is an understatement to say the aftermath of our losses has been emotionally trying for us. The realization of losing 32 valuable lives in our Virginia Tech family is something that we are trying desperately to recover from. But even in the most difficult day of Virginia Tech history, we have found strength-it is your university in particular that has sustained us, far beyond what you will ever know.

How do we thank you for your students and faculty gathered here today to memorialize our victims and to share in our sorrow. How do we thank you for the initiative and commitment your student government made towards finding 30,000 candles for our grieving campus so that our student leaders could focus on healing and comforting instead. How do we thank you for the hundreds of Hokies who saw your painted bridge, and were moved to tears? How do we thank you for the way your students instantly put aside our infamous rivalry to the point where the greatest measures of compassion from another institution have been from you?

Your aid has had such a profound impact upon our students. Please know what UVA is doing is being noticed, is making a difference, and is nothing short of extraordinary.

Thank you for being a testament to the best of collegiate student leadership-and to humanity in general. In what we have been calling the darkest night Virginia Tech has ever seen, you are one of our brightest lights. The strong alliance that has been formed between our school and yours is part of our foundation in moving forward.

From our hearts to yours, thank you for your noble efforts. May you also find solace and restoration as we grieve together as students and as a nation. In or out of times of need, Virginia Tech will stand beside you as fellow students, Virginians, and most importantly, as friends.

With gratitude,
Elizabeth Hart
Virginia Tech
Student Government Association
Director of Public Relations

Does Anyone Else See The Problem With This?

Ok--quick post to follow up on later but wanted to share now since I felt like I was in an alternate universe reading it. (I do this in the middle of my decedents' estates class where we're talking about Medicare Spend-down. Someone just asked if this was going to be on our closed book exam. Father O'Brien's response: "Well, if you can work it into the rule against perpetuities it is!" Awesome. But I digress...)

So--check out this BBC Article. Yes, my hiatus on talking about Africa, refugees, and my paper has ended (start rejoicing folks).

Here is one of DLS's favorite parts:

On the state of Oil in Sudan, according to the Sudanese business man: "This is the best situation we've had in 20 years". Really? This is the best situation you've had in 20 years? Hundreds of thousands of people perishing to the north in your country and you're psyched about pretty hotels and oil? Now I get it. How can anyone expect the rest of the world to give a damn about that region called Darfur if you don't. That makes sense. Keep pumping that oil. By the time the crisis is Darfur is over you'll have ridded yourself of all those pesky peasants in the north so you can finalize your vision of "Africa's Dubai".

There are more gems in this article (see: discussion of US sanctions. Don't even get me started on this) but wow. Let this one marinate and tell me whether you feel a little squeamish about the whole thing.

Better Than DLS Could Say It

Read this. It's gorgeous and thoughtful and made DLS cry.

Could not be said better. I am proud to be Tales' friend.

As The Dust Settles

I don't think anyone's mind has been truly free this week from the events at Virginia Tech that took place on Monday. As the days have passed more of the initial questions have been answered, more of the philosophical "how can this happen, how DID this happen" and the "are we at the mercy of fate" questions have arisen.

I started thinking about this reading minor incident's blog entry here a couple of days ago. The idea that our stories have already been written, that we are on a path to something greater that has already been set is not entirely new (Helloooo...haven't we ALL seen and memorized the NeverEnding Story? Or is that just me?). We have the ability to affect and alter our lives, paths and decisions, but overall the destination and when you arrive is inevitably the same.

Maybe a little morbid, but it struck again this morning as I was perusing the Washington Post online upon arriving at work. They wrote about the 75 year old professor and Holocaust survivor who saved his classroom of students from the gunman by becoming a human shield. As I read about his funeral in Israel that took place yesterday, his survival as a teenager in the concentration camps, and his journey to Virginia Tech, the idea that we move buoyantly through our lives with a purpose unbeknownst to us struck me even more.

I was happy to be the only one in the office as I was reading the WaPo piece. It made me tear up and remember the truly great people who exist in the world, the ones who live not in the tabloids, on the big screen or using their fame while adopting babies from Africa. They are the people we know in our daily lives, the people whose small acts of generosity and kindness send ripples throughout the community on a regular basis and help pave their own paths of fate.

I think the outlines of what shall become each person's narrative has been written. Fate exists for the bounty of us all. We fill in the blanks based on the choices we make--both the small and the large. As I read the chain of events spanning 6 decades that brought Liviu Librescu to the door of the classroom where his student sat as targets, this belief was solidified just a little bit more.

Channeling Elle Woods

Oh woe is law school, moans DisgruntledLawStudent at least once a day. Ok, at least 100 times a day. But today I had a moment of channeling a fictional law student I can quote in any given situation...particularly this one.

All those who know me know that I find this law school to be really good at making people feel mediocre. All the time. It does not matter what grades I'm getting, there is still that "Congratulations, you're mediocre!" banner waving high above the heads of hopeful litigators day in and day out. And there's that whole selling my soul to the corporate devil that keeps me up at night.

But the one thing said law school does and does well are their clinics. A total of 10 clinics represent battered women, low income individuals seeking to secure housing, landlord/tenant issues, criminal justice issues, juvenile justice issue, and, most exciting to me, asylum seekers coming to the clinic as a last ditch effort to gain asylum in the U.S.

The Center for Applied Legal Studies is the asylum clinic. In pairs of 2 students take a case from start to finish, ending with representation in a court against the department of Homeland Security. I applied last year and did not get in. I applied this year and the decisions came out today.

I was really tentative about getting my hopes up, as I did last year, even with my experience from this past summer. CALS has the highest number of applicants and only 24 total slots for the year--12 in the Fall and 12 in the Spring. So I submitted my application telling myself that either way would be ok...

Here is the scene as I went to the door to check the list to see if I had been one of the lucky ones, the moment of channeling Elle Woods:

SCENE:

In a Harvard Law hallway, looking at the list of the 4 people chose for the prestigious internship with the fancy Boston Law firm. Warner gets in, bitchy girlfriend gets in, token hostile girl gets in. The rest of the students are milling around. Elle walks up.

Students: who else is there? Who is the fourth slot going to (as Elle pushes her way to the front of the line)

********We hear rustling and murmuring, see Elle turn around and emerge, huge Grin on her face*******

Elle: ME! (As she pushes toward Warner and bitchy girlfriend)

Elle: oh Warner, remember after winter formal last year when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub togeher?

Warner: yea--uh, no, no I don't (bitchy girlfriend glaring)

Elle: Well this is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do...

END SCENE
I am Elle. I was chosen. THE LAST SLOT GOES TO ME! And suddenly DisgruntledLawStudent becomes a little less disgruntled and a little more hopeful for the year to come.

I could not be more ecstatic.

Those Who Give Us Pause

There are the defining moments in everyone's life, those times when you think to yourself "I will always remember where I was when ______ happened".

For me, it is a combination of the Challenger's explosion (in Science class), but more profoundly September 11, 2001 when I was working in the Senate Judiciary Committee. I remember every last detail, as most people do, down to the shoes and skirt I was wearing, and the sense of calm that settled over my mind as we ran outside to the chaos that ensued between the Capitol and Union Station. I have told the story many times as it is one that for me spans about 5 days, and it is one that I am sure will be told many more times throughout my life. I view events such as these as milestones, the quiet reminder of where you are and where you are going. The reminder of mortality. The reminder that life is finite and we should embrace the day laughing heartily and often.

I imagine there will be many moments of pause this afternoon for families around the country, as they reach their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins who are attending or working at Virginia Tech.

I imagine there will be many moments of pause for people like me who don't know anyone directly affected but stand in the doorway or in front of the computer and ache at the climbing number of fatalities.

There is good reason to pause this afternoon and take a good look at where you are and those around you. As a moment of peace sent out to those affected by the gruesome killings, as well as a moment of reminder for the things that we often take for granted. Those who give us pause are often the people who are stumbling or have fallen, but they are also the ones who provide perspective and resolve to those who remain.

Those Who Inspire

It's my friend S's birthday today. I have to post a little somethin' about her as this has been a kick ass and *BIG* week for her (and all of us who have been next to her during the past year).

S is one of those people who is a classic overachiever. She's in a joint degree program, getting both a master's and a J.D. She works for a judge, while balancing this. She goes to yoga classes. Regularly.

And today, she's reached the top of the thesis mountain, a peak that she has been climbing slowly and steadily for 365 days, if not more. I. Am. SO. Proud. Of. Her. Ladies and gentlemen, she has accomplished this ALL WHILE IN LAW SCHOOL.

I like having people around me who inspire me to be a little better, reach a little farther, push a litter harder. S is one of those. In a zen-like manner she steadily gets it done--accurately, intelligently, and always fashionably.

She deserves a shout out or four. Give someone a high-five and congratulate S on a job well done, and to another remarkable year on her birthday.

Hooray for New Blogs!

Everyone should read Minor Incident's blog that just got up and running (and is linked to the right...) There is nothing better in this world than thoughtfully brilliant people.

Sink or Swim

There is a strange melancholy that descends on law school campuses around this time of year. I noticed it last Spring and it is ten-fold this time around. I don't know if it's the creeping realization that exams are (somehow) less than a month away, or feeling the momentum, even briefly, of just how quickly time passes. It's more acute now than ever before and I think it's more disconcerting.

I have balanced a fine line between feeling panic at the thought of having to finish this paper that has become a winding road that seems to have no end (breathing deeply) and looking back at a semester of my Wills and Trusts class that is quickly approaching an end, capped with a closed book exam, in less than a month (breathing deeply) and the sudden jolt of where I'm going in less than 2 months and wondering if I am really actually truly ready to work in a law firm (breathing deeply). And I look around and it's no different for most other people. If it's not a first time firm job, it's the Bar exam, or for first years being inundated already with the idea of Early Interview Week that does not even begin until August! Feelings of remorse after swearing that you would not get behind in reading for that class and realizing that you are 200 pages behind with deadlines left and right. Strategizing sleep schedules knowing that there is not going to be much in that department for 5 weeks, and calculating how much coffee you can drink in a day to still stay sane and have maximum efficiency.

It's the moment of realizing you know what you HAVE to do to get through it, but good god, you just don't really want to, you wonder if this is going to be the time you might not make it, and putting your head down and just pushing through what feels like a quickly hardening block of cement.

This is where the super powers kick in. We all have them. We just need to wake them up. Wish us luck....

OOOHHH Mama's Got A New Pair of Shoes!

Or...a new apartment. For the weekend. What is it about a slight change of venue that makes me feel like I am going on vacation to Cancun rather than to Dupont Circle? I mean, I'm not even leaving the District, for crying out loud. But there is something about the thought of being away from home that makes me feel like a giddy little girl again. And there are cats involved. At the risk of making me sound like a cat lady at the tender age of 27--I am so excited.

R dropped off the keys 15 minutes ago. My first question was "So. when you gonna be out of the apartment? Can you text me on your way out so I can jump in the cab and head up there?" I think she might be second guessing letting me cat sit for her.

I think the thing that makes me feel like I won a hotel vacation in some exotic locale is the info sheet that R sent me today. It's really genius. I mean, not only do I not have to put up with the incessant whistling of my roommate, but I have a whole new batch of take out places to sample for three days! There's a lot of sampling to be done. Also, R has a shower with a tub. It's decadence. Pure and simple.

So the info sheet. She has categories such as: Shopping/Amenities and lists grocery and liquor stores (the woman knows me well) as well as explicit instructions as to how to use the TV and VCR, Internet, and track lighting. It's like arriving in a hotel and checking out all the cool stuff they have in their bedside folder. It is a truly a great moment at the beginning of any vacation.

So my bags are packed: sunscreen, flip flops, parasol, fuzzy slippers and 1000 pages of notes. And pajamas. I'm only bringing pajamas. because I don't plan on leaving. Unless it's for alcohol.

Taking a Breather

So. In hopes of varying the posts, I am going to take a breather from refugees and Somalia for a moment. After I just share this, from the WaPo trifecta of stories this past week on Somalia:

The U.N. refugee agency said 58,000 people have fled violence in Mogadishu since the beginning of February.

Waves of people have crossed Somalia's western border into Kenya, raising concerns that Islamic radicals could be trying to hide there. On Friday, a senior Kenyan police official said six officers in Garissa, near the border, were arrested and accused of aiding "possible terrorists" from Somalia or Ethiopia.

Forty-five Somalis have been detained since Friday, police said.

Somalia has been mired in chaos since 1991, when warlords overthrew dictator Mohamed Siad Barre and then turned on one another.

OK. So. Just a few thoughts on the above:

1) 58,000 Somalis fleeing--that is 1/3 of the total number of Somalis in the camps of Kenya--who have tricked in, been born there, come sporadically since 1991. 58,000 people. SINCE FEBRUARY.

2) Dear Kenya: you kind of look like huge assholes. We are essentially locking people into a self-imploding country. Is this some kind of social experiment to see what happens when we allow anarchy and a population to return to a Hobbesian state? Are Somalis really this expendable? Really?

So I continue to plug away at the paper, regardless of feeling like I am having a relapse of malaria because in my gut of guts I know there is some value here. I was talking to my friend Martina, who just came home from spending 6 months in Southern Sudan with MercyCorps. We were talking about the different realities in Sudan and Somalia, working with these populations. Martina talked about her training on what to do should you find yourself in the middle of a mine field--since they are so common in Sudan. My response, of course, was "well, how in the world would you KNOW? I mean, isn't that the point of mines, that they're buried?" She was explaining that most of the people planting the mines were "in a hurry" and would often leave the mine packaging at the site of the landmine. I had to (very inappropriately) chuckle at the genius of it all.

And I will try to leave the endless trickle of thoughts on the horn of Africa, refugees, our places in this conflict at that. What shall I write about next...hmmm....we shall see.

Does blogging about refugees count as work on my refugee paper?

I know the answer to this is no...but sometimes it's nice to get out of the analytical position and move back into the hmm, here are the thoughts that I have had while wading through, at this point, thousands of pages of ideas that others have already had on the issues I am writing about.

Here is why I am writing this paper:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/02/AR2007040201569.html

The government telling them to go. GO WHERE? The borders are closed!

So here's the progress to date: the paper has morphed from refugees, border closings, non-refoulement, case studies to refugees, the 1951 convention, non-refoulement, state responsibility for intentional wrongful acts.

I was really frustrated for a while. I mean, how do you write on something that every other person expressing an interest in refugee law has already analyzed? So I forced other people to listen to me while I worked things out that were swimming in my head. And what did I discover? the 2001 ILC Draft Articles on Responsibility of States for Intentional Wrongful Acts! (Anyone still with me?). This was a goldmine, a gem. Sure sure sure--people have written on these since their finalization in 2001, there have been symposiums. But no one, that I can find, has written entirely on their implication regarding refugees. See, the cool thing about the Draft Articles is that they apply to wrongful acts not only against other states, but also individuals. They don't deal with whether the international law or treaty being violated is wrong, but provides tools and guidelines to analyze if a state can be held or should be held accountable for a derogation of a treaty obligation, and when, if ever, a state is NOT held responsible. You will not find a case study dealing with border closings where the state closing the border does not have a reason, excuse, "state necessity", "national security" excuse. And they are normally BULLSHIT reasons. I am actually excited to write about this, because I think it's novel and I think it's a new way for all the people, including myself, who are exasperated by the state of international refugee law to approach these issues.

I applied for the Center for Applied Legal Studies today--a clinic at Georgetown where pairs of students represent an individual who is seeking asylum. They come to the clinic as their left chance, they have already been denied, and clinic students take their case from start to finish. I would really like to be a part of this clinic, not only because it's 12 credits of real life lawyering, but also because I think it would take my experience to a full circle. I know where I want to be in 5 years, and it would be great to have a first hand look at the U.S. refugee laws do to people who arrive here, versus international refugee law.